Last post.

I gotta stop, I know.
Though I've never been good in avoidance.
This, this might be the last time.

Maybe loving you was never meant to be
more than hurting myself just as much.
I gotta stop, I know.

Puisi Senada

Sejatinya riak air mataku akan selalu menemukan muaranya di bahumu.
Ada saatnya aku mengelak, lalu akhirnya menyerah pada rindu-rindu yang berisik.
Berjauhan, meski tidak bermusuhan. Menjaga jarak, meredam gemuruh. Berharap kau ada.
Lalu semalam aku melihatmu, menemukanmu tersenyum dalam tatapan yang malu-malu,
dan semua pertahanan yang susah-susah kubangun
luruh, habis, runtuh bersama rindu.
Di titik-titik besar dalam hidupku, apa jadinya jika tidak ada kamu?
Tidak akan ada bahagia yang terlalu atau sedih yang sewajarnya.
Bagaimana jika kau tak ada? Bagaimana jika akhirnya kau pergi?
Kau tahu pilihan untuk pergi selalu ada dalam genggaman tanganmu, bukan?
Kau juga tahu aku selalu ada, menitipkanmu dalam doa pengantar tidur, melepaskanmu jika kamu ingin pergi: percaya bahwa kau akan selalu berpulang.
Terima kasih sudah hadir di waktu-waktu bahagia, di waktu-waktu aku paling ingin kau ada.
Terima kasih sudah memberi jarak, memberi ruang yang kubutuhkan untuk membutuhkanmu,
terima kasih karena dengan begitu aku bernafas.

Semoga seiring kehidupan yang berjalan,
angka-angka terendah dan tertinggi dalam pergerakan waktu,
ada kamu. Cukup ada kamu.

Lost.

I could die, you know.
Wandering around, thinking of you.
Of what you're doing, of what you're thinking of at the current time. Are you okay.
I go on days, having to pretend that I am okay and that I don't mind: I could handle this.
Which you always know that I'm not good at multi-tasking, it's so exhausting.
I could die holding back the urge to text, to call,
moreover to meet you. I'm so overwhelmed of night thoughts that lead me to my full-of-you dreams.
I could die.. I could die of missing somebody too much that my mind can't contain.
But it's not even the worst part.
Knowing that maybe I am the burden,
the bridge or high walls, in between you and the bright nexts.
You're no where to be found, I don't know where you are..
I never meant to push nor seem like I am forcing you to need me as much as I do.
It's just that onto you, I spill over my heart. Onto you, I surrender my trust.
In you, I found myself.


But where are you, now?
Where am I, now?
I don't see myself anywhere.
I could die.





Be back soon, be fine soon, okay?

Contemplation #2

I thought, the other sad thing about being apart from people that we love, is to live side by side with them. To the point where we don't recognize ourselves anymore, where we share silence that hard it gets kinda awkward, where we don't even know how far we are from each other: geographically close, but so distant at the same time. To the point where our lives collided and gets nowhere but being monotonous. That's where it all ends, somehow.

Monotonous kills, and life gets bored. You're living in a state of 'please, leave me alone.' versus the 'don't leave me, I'm begging you,' constant battle. You shut down people, but your soul screams for help. Help me, it would say. Help me to discover myself. I'm that hard, you know. I don't even know if it's normal for a human being to feel that way. That's why I loved people who embrace the existence of absent. Who know how to give me some quiet space to myself, even if I'm begging not to. But then it turned into some self-discovery moment: of what I'm capable of, of what I can't live without, of what I've missed throughout life.

You might think it's masochistic. But I found my joy in times of sorrow. I get excited in times of longing. That way, I appreciate solitude. That way, when I look at them whom I missed in a long wait, it's a blissful serendipity.


Then I wonder if this was a curse or a blessing, to feel everything and nothing so very deeply.

Thinking of Amos

"Why didn't you ask me to go with you?"

"Cause I wanna be alone that day,"

"..."

".. don't you always hated it when I said I wanna leave?"

"I don't care. You have to."



I love you so much, so much that I let you go.

Insufficient

I'm feeling so blue right now. It's almost dark blue.

I miss you so much, to the fact that I know I'll lose your presence soon.

To the fact that I miss everything about you and your blabbery mouth.
The kind of miss that even seeing your face won't be enough.

I'm fine, you are too,
We're fine, it's nothing.

I wonder what's wrong with me.

A.

I love you along with the Time.

I love you in speculation of my own.

I love you by giving in.

I love you in every hour.

When I wake up in the morning,

when I'm tired and about to sleep.

I love you without doubts.

I love you by submission,

Knowing that the choice to leave, was all yours.

Like giving you the freedom to go.

Believing, hoping, that you won't.

I love you more than I allow myself to.

Preferensi

Untuk satu kali saja di dalam hidup, aku tidak merasa baik-baik saja seperti ini. Tidak bisa, aku tidak bisa bersikap biasa. Sungguh, kamu berharap apa? Ketika aku tahu kamu akan pergi jauh, atau punya kemungkinan sangat besar untuk pergi nantinya, mengulur cita-cita sepanjang umurmu. Aku juga tidak bisa marah ketika bukan aku yang kamu ajak berfoto. Diperparah ketidakmampuanku untuk mengajakmu diskusi tentang rasa cemburu, karena aku tidak punya hak. Karena untuk satu kali saja di dalam hidupku denganmu, aku marah karena aku bukan siapa-siapa. Terlebih bukan padamu, bukan pada keadaan, pada diri sendiri. Aku mulai dengan spekulasi, ya. Mungkin aku tidak secantik standarmu? Atau karena kamu tahu pada akhirnya bukan aku? Cukup sudah, ya, aku tidak tahu bagaimana jadinya jika kamu tidak ada. Tenang saja, aku tahu preferensi bukanlah salahmu. Jika bukan aku, jika ada yang lebih menyenangkan, sama seperti kamu selalu bertanya, memang aku siapa?

Lalu apa katamu tadi? Aku tidak sempat jawab, karena kamu bicara saat aku ucapkan terima kasih. Kamu pikir mungkin untuk tebengan, tapi buatku untuk kesadaran yang kamu bawa padaku malam ini. Bahwa menjadi bukan apa-apanya kamu, sama sengsaranya menjadi bukan apa-apa di dunia. Ah, iya! Kamu bilang kamu tidak sabar menunggu saatnya hujan turun?


Aku juga, sayang.
Aku juga.

Pagi penuh doa.

Pagi ini ada namamu muncul. Kamu aneh sekali. Agaknya hanya kamu yang mengerti bahwa hidup itu milikmu, tidak perlu lagi kamu bagikan atas dasar cari perhatian. Kecuali jika kamu pikir hidupmu tidak penting. Kamu tahu tidak? Buatku kamu tetap semenarik itu. Hanya saja, memang aku yang sentimentil, karena aku merasa seperti kamu juga menghapus aku dan ceritaku. Tapi seperti halnya rindu dan cinta, kamu itu orang yang menyuarakan hidupmu diam-diam. Ketika kamu ada, aku tidak perlu lagi pertanyakan apapun tentang hidup, karena kamu adalah wujud nyata hidup itu sendiri.

Aku jadi tahu sekarang, mengekspos hidup bukan lagi prioritasmu. Tapi aku, aku tahu semuanya tanpa perlu kamu pampang sana-sini.
Aku jadi paham sekarang, mungkin aku orang terpilih yang boleh tahu kisah dan cerita hidupmu, atau sesederhana bagaimana rambutmu panjang dan jerawatmu tumbuh.
Aku jadi mengerti sekarang, bahwa canduku sebenarnya ada pada kamu, bukan mediamu.

Pagi ini tidak hujan, tapi anginnya cukup dan mahatahari tidak menyengat. Aku bangun pagi tanpa dering alarm. Pagi ini ada namamu muncul. Baru aku sadar betapa damainya pagi seperti ini.

Untuk akhir Bulan Mei

Hanya kamu yang bisa semenarik itu saat bicara,
entah karena ekspresi atau sorot matamu yang jenaka,
meski waktu kamu sedang merasa tidak enak hati.

Hanya kamu yang bisa selantang itu menyuarakan isi hati,
tentang sesuatu yang ringan: seperti udara atau kemacetan
atau marahanmu yang membuatku merasa lucu.

Hanya kamu yang tersenyum seperti itu,
seperti matahari, seperti panel warna, seperti keindahan,
yang buat aku terang lagi ketika aku redup,
yang buat aku merasa optimis akan hari-hari baik.

Hanya kamu yang seperti itu mencintai,
dengan tidak berkata-kata,
dengan cara yang sederhana sekaligus luar biasa,
cinta-cinta yang tidak berisik.
Dengan perlahan, pelan-pelan, tapi menenangkan
sehingga aku tahu aku punya pegangan
ketika di tengah jalan aku oleng karena kehidupan.

Hanya kamu yang sebebas itu,
untuk pergi kala butuh waktu sendiri,
dan selalu datang lagi hari esok.
Menyuapi aku dengan obrolan tentang masa depan,
dan tidak pernah memberhentikanku untuk mengejar cita.
Kamu bilang itu hidup, kita hidup dengan memenuhi hidup.
Aku tau, ada kamu. Akan selalu ada kamu.
Kemanapun, dimanapun,
aku sudah titipkan hatiku padamu.



Hanya kamu yang bisa membuatku berhenti,
ketika aku mengingatmu di sela hariku,
di malam saat aku membicarakanmu pada Tuhanku,
terlebih waktu aku melihat kamu di hadapanku,

tersenyum seperti itu.

I found this piece.

"Jadi pada akhirnya kita memang harus mengerti, bahwa dalam hidup ini ada berbagai macam cinta. Dan kita tidak seharusnya menilai orang lain atas cinta mereka. Karena biar bagaimanapun, cinta tetaplah cinta. Ada orang yang lebih mencintai harga diri mereka ketimbang pasangan mereka, sebaliknya ada orang yang lebih mencintai pasangan mereka daripada diri mereka sendiri. Dan kita tidak seharusnya merendahkan semuanya. Karena cinta adalah tentang bagaimana kita memilih prioritas kita, dan memilih mana yang lebih layak dikasihi. Intinya, mungkin orang mencintai pasangan mereka lebih dari diri mereka sendiri, karena mereka berubah menjadi orang yang lebih baik, dengan siapapun mereka bersama. Dan dengan begitu bukankah pada akhirnya kita semua memang mencintai diri kita? Hanya saja jika kita bertemu dengan orang yang menjadikan hidup kita lebih baik, siapa yang tidak mencintai orang itu?"

Conciliation.

I took my time alone to see everything. Especially to step aback and look at how nice life has been. Sure I sometimes couldn't differ it from dramas, but it's okay, really. I gotta say, though, life's nicer with problems. This might be a long post, I warned you.

------------------------------

I'm handling love stories with great advice, I wonder now why would I be the one with none if I'm that great? While asking myself why, I look at my friend's relationship. And how terrible it has been to keep convincing themselves the way they wanted to believe in something. He loves me, he would never cheat. He's kind, and he promised me 'forever' anyway. Blah. People will always be people, you know. They disappoint and they screw up lots of time, it's just our nature. When you pour your all into this shit, you would have no love left for yourself. It would all be just self pity one day, sooner or later, believe me. The idea of self love got twisted right here. Although maybe, some people love themselves so much they can't handle getting hurt once they broke up or facing loneliness. But some healing gets better after its worst, right? They were just not brave enough to deal with the after effect. And also, how numbers of years are not an accurate measurement of how stable relationship they're in. They said 'I love you' everyday, at the same time questioning 'is that really is?' like a mantra. Now how could you define love when it makes you feel insecure and terrible, most of the time? False alarm, friends. You do not need that kind of love. It's a hunger, of affection.

He never said the word love, unless it is necessary. Or when he felt the urge to say it, like when I said, 'I love you,' after a long talks with him. He would probably say, 'I love you too,' if I were lucky. We don't even chat on daily basis. But when things happened at work--anything, really!--we think of each other without saying it out loud. Like we've been sharing our thought telepathically: of how this MV he might like, the meal I found delicious and I knew he would too, the new girl at work whom he hated at the moment, the hatred towards stupid people and traffic jam, or simply just how happy I am that I have found him. All nothingness, and everythingness at the same time. My nobody as well as everything in my universe.

I don't remember being this safe when I'm with anybody else. Safe, as in... I know I don't have to worry about losing him. He doesn't need to tell me how he is, if he loves me today or not. He doesn't have to talk to me all the time, cause we both got lives to work on. He doesn't have to convince me that there's nobody else but me. He doesn't have to stop me from achieving my dreams, cause he probably knew that he's been in it, and that being close is never about the proximity, so 'accomplish your biggest wildest dreams while you got me, here'. And the most important thing is, I don't have to ask. Because somehow, I knew.




and vice versa.

I'm so thankful I've found you. Thank you, Tevinstein Amos, for putting up with me and being so skeptical towards my thoughts and judgement. I've learned to be a wiser person by then. For being yourself when you're with me, to the most highest form. For that I could be me, too, and know I won't be judged in return. So, yes! I love you. As much as I love myself, I love you too, cause you transformed me into a happier, better, human being who had grown love towards herself finally. You put that love into me. I love you. I love you, so much. 

Ketika Bermusuhan.

Aku batu. Sekeras kepalamu atau tawa canggungku. Keras tiada ampun. Aku melempar diriku pada kamu, berharap mengintimidasi. Intens, berulang kali. Tak masalah seberapa sering aku terkikis. Aku tahu aku tetap lebih keras darimu. Sampai aku tahu apa itu kamu.

Asam. Cukup dosisnya untuk membunuhku. Setetes, dua tetes, mengalir di nadi-nadiku. Waktu aku bertemu denganmu, korosif penuh. Penyerahan total. Meluruh, tak bernafas.

Habis.

Sekeras itulah dan seluruhnya, aku mencintaimu.

Menangisi Hujan

Forgiveness. Lies in the disappointment of waiting for the Rain, which has not yet arrived.
Also in the broken expectations of well-spent Sunday, but instead lying on a bed, wondering still of non stop 'what if's. Forgiveness awaits in the front door of self inability: to understand, to look closely, to trust, to accept things the way they are. But most of all, in the best version of self reconstruction. After all what's left, forgiveness healed. I was healed.

The end of September

Things got me inspired.

I have a new phone which I bought with my salary.

The camera excites me already.

By the end of this month, I think life is actually pretty amazing,

and I am surrounded by beauty. 

But I have to look closely.

A graffiti I found interesting.

They are planting these.

A dusty corner of my dorm's gate.

I have no idea.

Today was hot. Period.

Tevinstein peed here, one day.

It is, actually,

pretty amazing how beautiful small things are.

Menuju Pagi

Jakarta, 29 September 2015 // 05:13

What I did.

I woke up and saw a beautiful Sun.

She was so close and peach.

She let the wind breathed, because she knew,

she was too hot to bear by Morning.

I took a picture of her,

with my eyes closed.

She was not as pretty as eyes could see.

But still, the Sun and my morning,

I've never realized how pretty she could have been.

No wonder the Moon loved her so much.

I fell asleep before I could see her again,

but it was warm, and it calmed my soul.

I talked to my man today,

just to tell him how my day went.

He listened.

I was here.

and he was there.

We didn't see each other.

But just like the Moon and the Sun,

We exist in silence.




----------------

Tevinstein Amos

3 AM and Constelations.

Morning is about to wake up. She carries the Sun with her all along, she has been so tired. The reason why I loved the Night so bad is because lately, Day has not been a good friend, so Night is the only companion. And I've missed my Rain. I hear the sound of heavy Rain somewhere near. It's almost crazy-like, cause I've been craving for him, I got confused whether it was just a fan machine or something else. Drop yourself here, really. Never take anything too seriously when people said they hated you. I've missed you.

It's a full moon on the body of the Night. The moon looks like a pretty mole on Night's face. And the stars are like pimples everywhere on his skin. But Night breaths heavily: it's kind of windy, though. I can't stop staring his beautiful presence in complete silence. I actually need to go to sleep now. I have class at Noon--more reason to hate Daylights. But I was just too in awe with the Night, he's majestic from where I stand.

I'm pretty sure that was Rain, but he's not even arrived here. Maybe he will lose himself on his way, decreasing like painful memories. People hated Rain, because of the flashbacks he brings. But me, the other way around, Rain washes bad thoughts away, you know? But as much as I miss Rain, I will patiently wait for him. On the day he finally comes, I'll cherish along with petrichor all over my surroundings. I would probably slow dance with him.

The sky was sad, Morning looked gray, which made me happy. She cheered up a little bit at Noon, then lifted her face up like a big girl and looked away to Night to say good bye. She fell asleep, having Night watching over her. She didn't cry today. Or she did, somewhere.

And Night, though. He was a beautiful man. Sitting on his chair, looking down to the Earth, singing lullaby to Morning and her child. So that tomorrow's going to be okay for her.



How I adore the Night. Especially when he stays aback, to let the early Morning breath again.

Arrived.

They are not capable of understanding it. Not in words, not in explanations too. They have labels for everything. A friend, a lover, family.. It's like something has to be classified and everything has its noun. They thought it has to be. Sometimes, I got so overwhelmed--because they came from everywhere, seemingly--and I started to think that I was crazy to think my way. But I was meeting Ims, who thankfully knew it without me explaining too much. I recognized 26 different alphabets. I knew it well, I know how to put and make them good. But for this case, even I was not able to contemplate these combinations of words to explain, how grateful I am that somebody finally knows how it is now, and how okay it has been to have no label being with somebody.


I could feel the electricity. Bursting, looking for a way out of my veins. It pumped my nerves aggressively. I felt so swollen, it gave me butterflies simply because I talked about him. And as much as I talked, I realize deep down inside of me, there was this desire buried deep, deep, in a dark place of scare: to be somewhere with him. I don't know, what's the point of even trying, or being together if in the end you knew you wouldn't go anywhere, anyway? I said. Ims looked at me with his big eyes. We both were silent. There were long pauses..



Then I stopped. I stopped at one, and only one, conclusion. That I realized I've been becoming society. And that is not me.. That is not what I think I wanted, it's society. That actually, we don't have to be anywhere..





We're already there.

Karena selalu.

Mari kita duduk-duduk: di beranda rumah, di bangku taman, di ayunan reot milikku yang dulu, di atas rumput, atau di genting atap. Aku akan memperhatikan caramu tersenyum, atau meniru sudut dan ujung bibirmu yang tertawa. Sembari begitu kita duduk bersebelahan, lalu kita mulai bicara sambil menerka jumlah bintang-bintang. Meski banyak ruang di sekeliling kita, aku akan duduk di sampingmu saja. Karena aku senang berada dekat denganmu.

Mari kita makan bersama. Apapun yang kamu suka! Tidak apa jika harus sayuran, karena katamu menyehatkan dan bagiku seperti sampah. Kita bisa makan di luar jika kamu pikir masakanku hambar atau kurang bumbu. Aku akan menemanimu, sungguh. Dan menyimpan potret dirimu dengan alis bertautan tatkala kamu memilih menu. Aku akan mendengarkanmu bercerita tentang apapun, meski sudah kamu katakan berkali-kali, dengan gayamu yang kuhafal atau logatmu yang menyebalkan, yang akan selalu aku rindukan. Aku tidak akan menyelamu. Karena aku senang mendengarmu bicara.

Mari kita bertemu di satu mimpi yang sama. Dimana aku tidak perlu tahu bagaimana perasaanmu, karena aku sudah tahu. Ketika kamu--seperti saat ini juga--tidak perlu katakan apa-apa lagi padaku, tapi aku merasakanmu sampai ke dasar jiwaku. Semoga aku bisa terus melihatmu begini: tersenyum malu-malu dengan sinar matamu yang penuh ledakan rindu, menggerakan jari-jari tanganmu yang cantik. Karena aku menyayangimu, sesederhana itu.



Aku akan banyak menulis apapun tentang kamu. Bagaimana aku melihatmu, bagaimana harapanku atau perasaanku padamu.. Lalu orang mulai bertanya kenapa. Kemudian aku tahu: karena ketika aku mengingat dirimu, yang kuingat adalah segala keindahan: dalam segala cara teraneh, yang sekaligus menghangatkan dan membahagiakan jiwaku, yang tentu saja hanya aku yang paham..

Maka aku menulismu selalu. Untukku.
Karena aku jatuh cinta.
Selalu.

Hanya jika.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku bisa bangun pagi, pukul enam. Bagiku itu sudah pagi, kamu tahu? Bukan untuk ibadah atau saat teduh dengan Ilahi. Tapi untuk bangunkan kamu, supaya kamu tidak terlambat. Memunguti ceceran kehidupan yang harus kamu susun dalam satu hari ke depan. Juga untuk sekedar mencium pucuk kepalamu, meski aku tahu kamu selalu benci jika ada yang sentuh-sentuh rambutmu.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku bisa pergi keluar saat makan siang. Bukan mencarimu atau makanan untukku makan. Tapi untuk beli pulsa, lalu menyapamu lewat resistensi jarak. 'Halo, bagaimana harimu?' begitu aku akan menyapamu, untuk sekedar kamu tahu bahwa aku ada jika kamu ada apa-apa. Kamu juga bisa tanya bagaimana aku, jika kamu mau. Aku akan katakan betapa hariku penuh dengan lukisan wajahmu di langit-langit kepalaku. Lalu mungkin, jika kamu mau, kita akan bertemu. Bukan karena ingin bicara, tapi karena saling rindu lekukan wajah yang disembuhkan lewat secangkir dua cangkir kopi.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku akan pulang lebih awal, naik metromini. Menuju rumah yang katanya milik kita. Menyiduk air dari bak mandi dan memanaskannya untukmu. Sembari itu, aku juga akan siapkan makanan yang kubeli di jalan, supaya ketika kamu pulang rumah kita penuh aroma bumbu, dan juga cinta di uap dapur. Lalu jika kamu mau, kita bisa duduk di depan TV, nonton MTV atau acara musik--yang kamu bilang bisa kamu dengar seharian--dan menyanyi. Seperti kita dulu saat kita masih lebih muda.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku bisa menggaruk punggungmu, dengan ujung kuku jari tanganku pelan-pelan, karena aku tahu kamu akan cepat mengantuk. Kita bisa saling berhadapan setelah gosok gigi, dan bicara soal noneksistensi mahkluk luar angkasa, ketakutan terbesar kita, atau khayalan tentang anak. 'Ayo kita berdoa,' demikian aku akan mengajakmu. Lalu dalam rentetan ucapan monoton, dengan cara kita masing-masing, kita berdoa untuk malam.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku bisa lakukan ini berkali-kali. Beribu-ribu kali. 
Untukmu, setiap hari.

Sepiring Berdua.

Bagi dia, bagi dua. Tambah lagi 1 telor dadar, pakai garam agak banyak. Bayar setengah harga, dia bilang tidak usah. Berdoa pada Tuhan yang sama. Caraku begini dia begitu. Tuhan, semoga makanan ini menyehatkan untuk jiwa raga kami, Amin. Piring di tengah meja, makan sambil lirik-lirik ke mata. Lalu ada tawa tentang lagu-lagu remaja, yang didiskusikan berlarut-larut lewat suapan nasi. Bagaimana pekerjaannya, apa yang dia rasa, siapa yang dia temu. Aku dan temanku, aku dan hariku, aku dan musikku yang dia tidak paham. Karakter dan figuran hidup yang sama-sama kita benci. Dia makan tomat, aku makan ketimun dua. Abisin, biar jodohnya gak jerawatan, sambil tunjuk nasi di setengah lingkar piringnya pakai sendokku. Dia lihat wajahku dengan alis bertaut, mata memicing. Jerawatan, dia bilang. Sepiring berdua. Tidak ada sebutir nasi yang sisa. Supaya jodohnya (aku dan kamu) jangan ada yang jerawatan. 


Ada semoga dalam cegukan dan perut kekenyangan. Semoga yang kamu tau apa.

Capricorns.

It's in my traits, you know. To constantly hope for the best, but expecting the worst. I have seen so much people, how they speak about love. Of course, it might have so many different interpretations for each and everyone of them. Because just like God, you recognize love and its existence, in your experience of encountering it. What I see is that love is never a guarantee. You might say you love someone, but who knows your body needs more than just love itself? I'm not saying that loving someone should always be about touching and physical contact, but hey it's true! How many times have you seen someone said, 'I love you', yet they keep looking for others temporarily. 'You're my forever,' they'd say, 'they're nothing, they are just them. You will always be you,' Bull-shit. Like being in love was never enough. Like love was an excuse to go back home after years of wild adventures when you had nothing to eat anymore. Like people actually some kind of need the distraction. It's a human nature. I've seen it: I've seen lots and lots of unfaithfulness, and how they somehow made me stop hoping for love. That's actually the reason why I know, I'll never find one.

I keep it to myself all this time. Because I'm still some kind of hoping that maybe someday I will. Life's a bitch, you know. You want something, it won't give you any, or yes it will, but a little too late. You hate something, it would keep coming back like an itch on your back. Now that I think about it, I think I've found it out since I was a little girl already. I used to forcefully suggest my mind the counter-point of a fact, because I was sure as fuck what will happen is the other side of the statements I've made. It buried deep down inside of me, and I've been carrying it all along. Now that I grew up and I want something, I will forcefully suggesting, that I won't get that. It's like a hopeless kind of faith, a kind-of-shy form of expectation. Maybe being with you are one of the case.

Mom asked me about you. I told her you were nothing. She doubted me. So I also told her that in fact I won't find love again in the future. She told me to watch my mouth. And right after I said it out loud, I cried so hard. I don't even know why I'm scared. Maybe because deep down I thought I can't wait any longer for it to happen otherwise. But also maybe, just maybe, because I knew, it is somehow true.



P.S : I'm not kidding, though. About love isn't always about physical thing. Because I've been kissed, and hugged, and made love with by you, without you even touching me. It made me believe that one day when we finally kissed, it won't be your lips that I'd taste. It's your soul.



Of course I should tell everybody otherwise or else it won't happen. Right?

Questions.

"Why are you so quite?" 

I don't know. That's how people read me. I become quite when I got sad, or mad, or when I got so much in mind. I don't know. I visit places I've ever been with you, alone. I thought I've missed the place. Like being homesick for so long until my head hurts. It's not. Fuck.

"Why are we keep hurting each other like this?"

I don't know. Maybe it's our rhythm, maybe it suits us best without we even realize it. Maybe that's what we do best, you know? To hurt each other's feelings and pretend to be okay. Like it is supposed to be. 

"Why are you crying?" 

I don't know. Because it's not that I miss the place, I realized this wasn't homesick, this was way even worse. It's just I'm so sick of wanting so much to see you but I couldn't.

An entry to Amos.

Suppose this was a love letter.

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that when I told you I loved you, I'm deadly serious over the phrase. With all flesh and bones.. I never thought it'd be this deep, though. And most of all, I don't know it would hurt like this. I wanted to know if you meant it, when you said you loved me too. Because I couldn't stop my heart from skipping a beat. I wanted you to know that you had contagious smile, a kind of smile that would calm down a war inside of me. Like when I was having a bad day, or the shittiest part of life so far, but then you said Hi, and smiled like that.. it's a healing, you know.. You're the healer. 

Suppose you read this,

I don't mean to push. I just wanna see you. Like, constantly. And I'm sorry for being so cheesy, or gigantically melancholic, or annoying you big time through all of my acts. You know where to find me. You always knew. I love you, Tevinstein. Say it right back. And for the rest of the world, I swear, I'd be just fine getting along not talking to you as much.


You're so enough.

Kuburan Mimpi

Aku berjalan suatu malam di kuburan mimpi. 'Selamat jalan', begitu tulisan di papan kayunya. Aku pikir mungkin harusnya 'Selamat datang' karena toh aku datang kesini, bukan? Aku tengok sana-sini, bukan karena penasaran tapi karena dingin hawa putus asa. Lalu aku lihat nisan baru, 'disini terbaring, Sang Penulis.' Akhir-akhir ini banyak mimpi baru yang mati, semakin hari semakin penuh dengan subjek atau karakter yang terdengar asing. Tanah basah, mungkin habis hujan aku pun tak tahu. Kulihat anak kecil di ujung pintu, berjalan menenteng sayap patahnya sambil menangis, dengan kedua jarinya yang seperti gunting. Mimpinya baru saja ia kubur. Mungkin orang tuanya ingin ia beli mimpi lain, yang lebih baru, lebih kaya, atau lebih besar. Ada lagi nisan ini: tua sekali seperti purba. Banyak lumut hijau tumbuh menutupi ukiran namanya. Di sekelilingnya tidak ada bunga, mungkin tidak ada yang peduli lagi padanya, mungkin terlalu lama sampai pemiliknya mati. Kasihan sekali mimpi satu ini. Aku jadi penasaran, siapa namanya? 'Kemanusiaan. Semoga beristirahat dengan tenang.'

Lalu ada blok-blok yang lebih tinggi, tempat yang lebih tidak terjamah. Pohon beringin seperti petua raksasa penjaga nisan dengan sulurnya yang seperti jenggot kebijaksanaan. Sudut ini tempat orang menguburkan mimpinya yang paling kelam, paling jauh, atau paling ingin dilupakan. Aku duduk bersila di depan nisan, menyanyikan senandung bahagia agar hatiku tidak sesedih ini. Edelweis di tangan kanan, cangkul di tangan kiri. Setengah mati berperang dengan akal sehat untuk mengorek kembali bangkai tak nyata dari mimpiku yang ini. Tanganku akrab dengan ukirannya, yang punya jejak menyenangkan sewarna kulitku. Terima kasih atas kematianmu, sayang. Oleh karenamu, mimpi lain tumbuh seperti jamur. Mereka tidak pernah lebih besar dari dirimu. Meski demikian, ada gema yang hampa dan bergaung, yang tak henti-hentinya menggemakanmu di seluruh ruang kosong tubuhku.

'Untuk lelaki terbaik dalam hidup wanitanya, namamu.'

Gerimis dalam E Minor.

"Aku pernah memimpikanmu suatu malam.
Aku melihatmu di hutan gelap, dikepung
pohon-pohon yang seakan tumbuh sejak purba.
Di tengah hutan itu kau sendirian, bergaun serba
putih, duduk memainkan piano. Tidak ada suara.
Lalu batang-batang pepohonan purba itu,
bagai tangan raksasa yang hitam, perlahan,
melahapmu. Aku tidak pernah menceritakan
mimpi ini kepadamu. Mungkin itulah yang
membedakan kita. Kau menyimpan rahasia,
aku menyimpan ketakutan. Mungkin
benar, kita dipertemukan bukan untuk
kebahagiaan, tetapi untuk saling
menguatkan."


Agus Noor.

Is it just me, or?

People ask me what we are now. I don't know. When they ask me who he is, I'd say, 'a friend.', then they continue to ask, 'do you have a crush on him?', I'd say I don't. They would say, 'weird,' and they won't believe in what I say. They always think that when two people being together, it means that more likely they are or soon to be in a relationship. So when I told them things the way things actually are, about me and how this thing going with this beautiful man, they simply question it, or call me liar. Whatever.

Sometimes I think I was different. A bad kind of different. When all of my friends are busy making relationship, this thing hanging between me and this guy is far from the definition of boyfriend/girlfriend thing, we do not do that.. We do not say it out loud, how we feel.. Sometimes I think that it's just me, that he maybe does not feel the same way as I am, but I do not simply give up on hope.. And believe in myself, in what I feel, a little bit more. Sometimes, you love so much, so deep, you become the other person you love. You reflect their words, their way of thinking, how they talk, how they act.. I don't even have crush on him anymore, because I am a way far than that. I love him. It is unspoken, but sometimes love is just love and you do not question love.

Then I start to realize that I have to differ the idea of being in a relationship, and being in love. In a relationship, two people are put together. They thought they might wanna be like that forever, achieving one or many goals of, I don't know.. Completing each other? Having kids? Sharing companion? They might as well wanted to see each other every minute of their lives, because that's how relationship works. You spend most of your time together, if possible, being under the same roof and sharing your foods, your extra bed, and most of all, your time.. It might fade one day, you know, just like people couldn't promise such thing as, 'I'll love you forever,' as forever is a matter of time, which you can't guarantee because the Time is not yours.. Then relationship became a noun, a state to describe the combining result of two people together. The thing is what if you get bored? What if you realize eventually you don't want them anymore? What if you possess them so much they slip off and be gone? While you can't help but being possessive because the other person are yours, forever, just because you think you are in a relationship.. Gotta say, though. In a relationship, you cannot guarantee love.

Meanwhile, being in love is totally different state.. When you love, you pour your heart into this one person. They never leave your mind though at times you might not realize it. You go to work, you do your job. But when you feel the need to stop a little while, you feel your blood rushes, your heart beats hard.. And then, there they are, carried with you all along your veins. It makes you smile and helps you get through hard days. It's love. When you love, you might not always see each other, might see a lot of different person every single day. But once you see them in person, you just knew it's them. You miss this one person so much, you cannot, stop, talking. That is when you realize, that other people, lots and lots of them everyday, is just a reminder of how much this one person means to you, that the rest of them don't matter anymore, you don't want anybody else anymore.. Despite all difficulties, you gain commitment. When the time comes and both of you finally see each other without any interferences of life, you look at them in the eyes. Then the sparks tell you, 'I've been waiting for you, and I love you so much.' And it cannot be wrong.


So, when next time people ask me, 
'why don't you both be in relationship already?' or tell me, 
'you both look cute together, just be in a relationship for God's sake,'

I'd just smile, and say, 
'well, no..' 

I'd stop just for a moment, 
'because I don't need to be in a relationship anymore. I'm in love with him. I wish he is, too. And that is what matters to me,'

and fuck the rest of the world who tells me otherwise.

Prologue

She had heard a lot of people talk—blabber around—about love. How it was the first sight that catches your heart the most. She thought there was no such thing. How could you explain scientifically to yourself, how a single sight could manipulate so much it made your mind couldn’t stop working, your body were sore, aching of missing the incomplete figure of one’s sight. It sounded wrong, you wouldn’t get that. And so when she first met him, she couldn’t understand how it finally made sense to her that a single sight could do so much. She couldn’t help but to stare. Like she has been blind for so long, it was her first time looking at the sun.

When two people met and their lives collided, like, somehow the universe conspired to align two lifelines of human being, we called it destiny. It happens every once in a while, if you’re careful enough to see it. Sometimes it gets so blur, like a phantom. But when you finally did, you would see that life—well, no matter how hard it has been, or how much you hated it—was such a great director for everybody. Doesn’t mean it couldn’t screw up, though. When life put two people together, tangling their paths, it forgot to see the correlations between them: whether their grandparents, or their great grandparents had met in one, solid line. Then you began to think. If descent was the issue, if one day they’d be so in love, if the next day they fell outta love, how could they be separated completely? It was the worst part, to be honest.

She dreamed of him a lot, she knew it was prohibited. But she couldn’t stand it. In her dreams, he was as surreal as he has been. He was out of her reach, but keep coming to her and said, ‘where are we going?’. It was some kind of revelation, she realized. They wouldn’t go anywhere, they were too close by blood. When she woke up, she would usually miss him more than she should.

 

A post with so many Exclamation Marks

A REASONABLE NOTE-TO-SELF

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These are for the night with frustrations (which will be elaborated below):

• A lonely Sunday you spend along by yourself. "You see, I need to see you frequently in order to keep me sane. And any other day rather than Sunday is sadly not guaranteed. So, another Sunday not seeing you means another 6 additional days to another Sunday, which is super long considering the amount of time we get to spend on every Sunday is less than 8 hours. Then if I'm still not going to see you again the next Sunday, I don't know anymore how to keep myself on a right mood track.. So please, do me a favor. Stay in touch." Well, this is me wishing myself to finally have the courage to say whatever it is inside the quotation marks to T, which is relieving even though it sounds like stupid, talking to my own blog.
• Money crisis. Whoa, hold it, Stepphenie if you're going to explode, watch it because you have nobody to blame poverty. Find a job! Pfft, of course you don't want a job right now, right, you want money! Keep blabbering about having nothing, it might helps! You'll get tired of complaining and perhaps, start giving thanks of what you already had. I personally think that this is a stage of final depression. Plus stop being angry with everybody, it's like an in vain shout to an empty space. It echoes back to nobody but you! It will sound pretty much like... I don't know, what sound do you hate the most, self? Anyway what ever it is, you'll hate it! So, don't start the war. Stay low, stay low. This won't help, you'll still get so angry within, but hey it will pass! (((winking hard)))
• Social media and stupid people. Cut off as many people as you could! You're mature enough to differ acquaintance, a friend you don't need, a friend you're gonna keep, or mom's friends ew. If you're not into this or that person, and remember you don't need any particular reason to hate somebody, remove them. It's as simple as block button, hit it! Do what makes you happy. People won't stop annoying you. Cut. Them. Off. Keep your circle small. So small you could almost hold it in one hand. It feels so much better now, doesn't it?!
• Insecurity. There's no such thing, barbie. Congratulations, you're right! People hate you! :) It's okay if you're gonna hate them back! It's okay, Stepphenie, you don't have to like everybody as well! Oh, God, look at how fun it is! Don't try to act nice, for your own sake, you don't need them! (You won't hate people you know you'll need, clever). Don't let the vision of people hating you gets any bigger than your titties. Hate them, hate them so much you're gonna explode.
• "Am I running out of time to do something worthy in my life?" Well. I gotta say to you, self, that eventually people die and all that you've fought for will be nothing but dusty memories of an empty life, nobody would even notice! If you're, let say, 22 now, and you're still got nothing to do, nobody hires you, plus you're fat and single, with no achievements at all, I'll tell you what: Stepphenie, you're not Justin fucking Bieber! Do not compare, and walk on your own speed. As long as you don't stop or commit suicide--even you're going to get beaten up so much, and wow, look at how much hatred you project to yourself right then!--at one point, life will stop mocking you. And eventually it will turn out good in the end. Of course, then you die. Fantastic.
• Seniors. Fucking seniors. Since you're me, and I you, I know this has always been an issue. Say something to them. If you can't find something nice to say, or if you really hate them, say something clever but devastating. Never let ages define who you are and your quality of thinking. If you're right, then you are! Stay away from that kind of people (which I believe you have in mind the name(s) of who they are, right, cause you're basically me! Haha, I'm hilarious as fuck). You pretend they're not there, ignore their existences, make people befriended you and not them. They'll eventually eat their shits they've spilled out about you, and act nice to you in return. Ha, I warn you, it is shit! They are full of shits, you don't wanna smell them! Keep staying away, then you're good. Nevertheless, you're a human being, not their juniors admiring, begging to be, or obsessing your seniors for fuck sake. P.S: These are facts, it happened. You cannot argue these. Oh! Plus, plus, plus! Never, believe in your senior's stupid forecast telling you this/that about everything. They're human, pretending to read your life, not God. (If by all means sometimes--just sometimes--you question about God, then you have literally ZERO reason to believe in their stupid forecast.)
• How romantically pathetic you are. Yes, indeed. Keep feeling blue, keep telling yourself you're not worth it, because you actually are not worth it! :) Look at you: you are fat, you hate yourself while at the same time hating everybody, you're far from the definition of beautiful. But it's okay. At least you know you're the kind of person who fight your best, and you don't give up. Maybe one day, life will set you up with one person: who is absolutely as fucked up as you and your messed up thought about self-worth. But maybe life won't, either. (Ha! Accept it, this is a depressing post.) Anyway, who cares if you're ugly?! Do not push yourself to have a better body or personalities, it's a waste of time! Everybody rots up sooner or later. Eat that now.
• "I can't find any other good things about life." At least you're still you. You're not some pretty grownup women with super beautiful hair and faces and perfect-sized butts/breasts, but empty without brains. Appreciate that you still have one. That's why you keep hating life: because you keep thinking. So, at the moment all these hit you again, stop it. No matter how fucked up your life this time might be, you still got one person who understands. That one person is you. Have a good day, self. 

#Selfloveaboveall