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When I told him all this, regretting and cursing all this,

All I know is that I spilled out my bitterness till I am zero,
and he was sitting still, quiet as I spoke.
Then I am overwhelmed by his presence and eye sights.


For I need nothing but he sat there listening to me.

Not true.

What if after all this time, I misinterpreted you:
I do not have feelings for you the way I confessed.
I managed to make myself believe that I was in love, while in fact I was just lonely.
And you're the only better person around.
I was scared of having no one to fight for,
therefore I chose you to be the person I 'love'.
I try to speculate an act and believe what I wanted to believe.
It's some kind of pity--what I did, of making myself so sure that I was in love.
What if I don't love you at all, what if all this,
was just a massive manipulation I created to myself
so that I wouldn't feel so lost. So when people speak of love,
I would also understand. While in fact I don't have any!
I just happened to pretend that I do,
pretend that I love you.

How arrogant is that.

Cinta monyet.

This isn't going to be a cheesy romantic speaking like I always do. I do this, because at one point in my life, I realised I survived life. I have seen someone from the past, and look at so many nights I cried over him, screaming, pleading God to bring him back. I remember the day I was so devastated, lying on the floor and cry myself to sleep. Waking up and felt like shit every single day, questioning, 'why am I still alive'. This is a true story about a guy: the greatest in giving me love as great as God could, as well as suffer, the most painful one. 

'Look at that. Look at the sun. It is set, now. Look how beautiful.' she said. She held her breath, not blinking. Watching the sun set in a high place, with him. 'I know,' he said. Reaching her from behind. She was not comfortable. She doesn't like it when someone puts hands on her bellies. But he held it tighter. 'I know,' and they both were quiet in awe. He jumped in front of her with his wide arms. He smiled like he was so overwhelmed with joy, he asked her, 'Which one, baby? Me or the sun?' She knew it's always been him. He was the greatest creation. He was hers. She never thought of wanting to have something more precious than him. She smiled so wide, so radiant, and hugged him close. 'You,' she said. They became like one, in a long long time.

It was the best sunset she witnessed. When night appeared, they held hands to look at the stars. There were none on the body of the night. None of them had guts to steal a kiss, cause they had never tried.. He held her face in his big hands and look at her eyes, bewildered. 'I love you,' he said. 'I love you,' repeating the words again, and again, and again, that it started to lose its meaning.. 'I love you,' he told her for the last time, emphasizing, reassuring. 'I love you, too,' and then she cried on his shoulder, bursting in a strange, crazy, magical feeling she had never known she could feel. She understands now of why is it so hard to forget the first person you loved, 'cause that person had once made u felt so loved and that feeling is just godly.

When he said, 'I lost feelings,' all the air was gone. When he said, 'I don't love you anymore,'  something inside of her was dead. She was lost ever since, she was dead. She was not okay for quite a very long time. Days were hard and he was gone. He was not there. She was left with no love left to herself.. She hated days and nights, and sunsets. Cause they reminded her of him too much.

People said it was an old love. That the him that was hers before, was already long gone. Why couldn't she stop thinking of him. They thought, time should have washed him away. Life must have been better for her. While she never felt happiness too much, because he was no longer hers to share. She never felt sadness in a way sadness should. It was way worse than any longing in the world, she never wanted to come back. Then she guessed she never stopped loving him after all. She just woke up one day and decided to let him go. 

So people would stop bugging her.

You know, I guess I had never drawn too deep in loving someone rather than you. Never even had worse heart break when someone left, except when you went away. I guessed you're the greatest after all this time. You still are. And I wish you happiness with whom ever you are, right now, and for the rest of your life. Knowing deeply that whoever she is, she's the luckiest to be loved by you.