I don't know about this.

Tevinstein Amos,

thank you for saving me from myself.

I would never thank you enough for that.

You'll graduate this year, Tevinstein.

I'm so excited to see you by then, to witness your becoming in the future,

to embrace your freedom after the long haul of Internship.

I'll be starting mine in a bit, I'm so anxious..

But you're here, though..

"You should know that it's not the end of the world," you said.

I'm trying to believe that it is not, yes!
And it is okay.
It will be okay with you..

As long as I'm facing it with you..

I'll be fine,
we will be too..

Tevinstein Amos,

how I love calling out your name,

I don't care to whom,
I don't care if it's nothingness after all.

I love you, I love you.

More than feelings allowed.

An ugly explicit writing while listening to Ben Folds - The Luckiest.

The A.

Semalam, aku memimpikan lelaki yang jauh.

Yang pada awalnya pernah sedekat nadi, yang lebih besar dari harapanku akan segala sesuatu.

Pada saat itu aku bahkan tidak peduli apakah Tuhan ada. Karena ada dia, setiap hari, seperti doping.

Dalam mimpiku kami bersentuhan tangan, mengisi sela jari masing-masing.

Tentu saja segala ikhlas yang pernah kuamini hancur, pecah berkeping-keping.

Rasanya seperti memang tidak ada yang lebih baik dalam sentuhan, selain dia.

Meski ada yang lain dalam hari dan hatiku saat ini, A,

sebuah pembenaran bahwa manusia memang memiliki hati yang besar,

tetapi mungkin selama ini aku tidak pernah benar-benar selesai mencintaimu.

Dari yang sungguh jauh dalam jarak dan perasaan,

semoga baik-baik saja di negeri orang! 

21

It was the kind of day people write their stories about.
I had one, too, such a happy remembrance.
Let's jump back to January the sixth.

When I said thanks to him for his presence today,
he said, "I didn't even greet you happy birthday," which was true.
But when he came to my house earlier, he looked at me,
and hugged me fast without saying anything. I hugged him back, confused.
We still met at the end of the day after we got back to dorm, with him accompanying me
when my people surprised me with a pizza cake and beautiful deco--which was another story!
He laughed along with my friends, despite probably he felt awkward..
Then he took me back. He asked, "Are you happy?" and listened to my smiling voice talking.
He was the last person I talked to on my birthday. He was there, witnessing me.
When we arrived, I kissed his shoulder like I always do, and said bye.

He never said 'I love you', too.


But now I got the point.

While Listening to O by Coldplay.

I am thinking of the aftermath, the adherent, consequences of loving you.
People say what's worst about loving something so much, is knowing that you can't have it.
They also say that when you love something, you should not possess them: you let them live instead.
That's the truest form of love, to let it grow, to see it comes bigger, without caging them someplace.
And somewhat true, we feel bliss just to see it that way.
Society got twisted, right? About love and possession, anger and disappointment.
They started to think when you love someone, they have to love you back.
Either way, it's not love at all. It's the unrequited stupid hunger, of affection. What was that, again?
Well, I have to stay still though, they are not capable of understanding it..

If only you had the same feeling towards me, as much as I am willing to give you ever since,
they say, we would already be together by now. Thing is that I am an open book, they can read me. While you.. I honestly don't know how you feel, you never told me.. But what ever it is, it makes me happy. It completes me somehow in the most humanly way possible. I am craving, yearning, admiring the feeling you gave me, it surprised me in the time I least expected it. You are different, you made me feel different in every best way I could tell. You made me happy without words of love, so I didn't question it, like, I don't need it.. You speak louder than every romance courtesy. Then again, loving you makes me love myself even more. In the end, how could I possibly not loving you if so?

I always knew we couldn't be together, I'm not making it an aim as well. I know probably we're that different, that hard to be with each other, it's okay. I'm not withdrawing myself at all, and I won't. If one day you had to go--like, go, away--in a way that we're not this close anymore, or geographically distant from each other, I'll remember you always, always. And there would be no greater loss by then. It's not regret, okay, it's loss. It's a mess, total pain, an agony. But right now, as long as you're still near--I could tell by the way you wanted to see me just as much--as long as we're together and fine, I cherish you with every breath, every eye blink, every second of my everyday, Tvstn. It's okay if one day we have to separate our way, I thank God that we ever crossed our paths and be together for quite long time. The me that is me right now, won't ever be without your presence. You will someday leave with remaining melodies you sometimes sing, and your shy smile that nobody could ever have, but you. I knew, and I'll be okay as long as you are too.


To the person whom I am now loving, so much, with all humility I could evince.
I've never loved anybody to the point where I don't want to possess them anymore,
for the sake of my belief: that to love is to set free.

Tentang Perasaan.

Kemarin lalu, seorang teman menanyakan bagaimana perasaanku padamu.
Aku diam sesaat, menimbang-nimbang: seberapa banyak? Seberapa besar?

Begini, sayang..
Aku mencintaimu pelan-pelan, disaat aku pikir aku mencintai orang lain.
Aku tidak sepenuhnya jatuh, aku melangkah perlahan bersamamu.
Saat aku kehilangan jati diri, saat aku menangis histeris, saat aku berusaha menata lagi hidupku.
Kemudian aku mencintaimu sesederhana itu, sesederhana kamu ada.
Tanpa perlu tahu bagaimana perasaanmu, tanpa perlu cintaku terbalaskan.
Mencintaimu sesederhana menyapamu setiap pagi, merindukanmu setiap malam,
dan bertemu padamu di hari-hari tersulit, mendengarkan cerita dan lagu-lagumu,
sesekali berbagi kisah, lalu melihatmu tersenyum seperti itu.
Aku mencintaimu tanpa beban, tanpa rasa-rasa khawatir,
tanpa menuntut kamu untuk menjadi sama sepertiku.
Selama kamu ada.. Selama kamu disini, ada bersamaku..

Lalu kukatakan padanya, bahwa aku sangat mencintaimu.
Dan aku sungguh-sungguh untuk itu.



Selamat tahun baru, Inspirasi!