The end of September

Things got me inspired.

I have a new phone which I bought with my salary.

The camera excites me already.

By the end of this month, I think life is actually pretty amazing,

and I am surrounded by beauty. 

But I have to look closely.

A graffiti I found interesting.

They are planting these.

A dusty corner of my dorm's gate.

I have no idea.

Today was hot. Period.

Tevinstein peed here, one day.

It is, actually,

pretty amazing how beautiful small things are.

Menuju Pagi

Jakarta, 29 September 2015 // 05:13

What I did.

I woke up and saw a beautiful Sun.

She was so close and peach.

She let the wind breathed, because she knew,

she was too hot to bear by Morning.

I took a picture of her,

with my eyes closed.

She was not as pretty as eyes could see.

But still, the Sun and my morning,

I've never realized how pretty she could have been.

No wonder the Moon loved her so much.

I fell asleep before I could see her again,

but it was warm, and it calmed my soul.

I talked to my man today,

just to tell him how my day went.

He listened.

I was here.

and he was there.

We didn't see each other.

But just like the Moon and the Sun,

We exist in silence.




----------------

Tevinstein Amos

3 AM and Constelations.

Morning is about to wake up. She carries the Sun with her all along, she has been so tired. The reason why I loved the Night so bad is because lately, Day has not been a good friend, so Night is the only companion. And I've missed my Rain. I hear the sound of heavy Rain somewhere near. It's almost crazy-like, cause I've been craving for him, I got confused whether it was just a fan machine or something else. Drop yourself here, really. Never take anything too seriously when people said they hated you. I've missed you.

It's a full moon on the body of the Night. The moon looks like a pretty mole on Night's face. And the stars are like pimples everywhere on his skin. But Night breaths heavily: it's kind of windy, though. I can't stop staring his beautiful presence in complete silence. I actually need to go to sleep now. I have class at Noon--more reason to hate Daylights. But I was just too in awe with the Night, he's majestic from where I stand.

I'm pretty sure that was Rain, but he's not even arrived here. Maybe he will lose himself on his way, decreasing like painful memories. People hated Rain, because of the flashbacks he brings. But me, the other way around, Rain washes bad thoughts away, you know? But as much as I miss Rain, I will patiently wait for him. On the day he finally comes, I'll cherish along with petrichor all over my surroundings. I would probably slow dance with him.

The sky was sad, Morning looked gray, which made me happy. She cheered up a little bit at Noon, then lifted her face up like a big girl and looked away to Night to say good bye. She fell asleep, having Night watching over her. She didn't cry today. Or she did, somewhere.

And Night, though. He was a beautiful man. Sitting on his chair, looking down to the Earth, singing lullaby to Morning and her child. So that tomorrow's going to be okay for her.



How I adore the Night. Especially when he stays aback, to let the early Morning breath again.

Arrived.

They are not capable of understanding it. Not in words, not in explanations too. They have labels for everything. A friend, a lover, family.. It's like something has to be classified and everything has its noun. They thought it has to be. Sometimes, I got so overwhelmed--because they came from everywhere, seemingly--and I started to think that I was crazy to think my way. But I was meeting Ims, who thankfully knew it without me explaining too much. I recognized 26 different alphabets. I knew it well, I know how to put and make them good. But for this case, even I was not able to contemplate these combinations of words to explain, how grateful I am that somebody finally knows how it is now, and how okay it has been to have no label being with somebody.


I could feel the electricity. Bursting, looking for a way out of my veins. It pumped my nerves aggressively. I felt so swollen, it gave me butterflies simply because I talked about him. And as much as I talked, I realize deep down inside of me, there was this desire buried deep, deep, in a dark place of scare: to be somewhere with him. I don't know, what's the point of even trying, or being together if in the end you knew you wouldn't go anywhere, anyway? I said. Ims looked at me with his big eyes. We both were silent. There were long pauses..



Then I stopped. I stopped at one, and only one, conclusion. That I realized I've been becoming society. And that is not me.. That is not what I think I wanted, it's society. That actually, we don't have to be anywhere..





We're already there.

Karena selalu.

Mari kita duduk-duduk: di beranda rumah, di bangku taman, di ayunan reot milikku yang dulu, di atas rumput, atau di genting atap. Aku akan memperhatikan caramu tersenyum, atau meniru sudut dan ujung bibirmu yang tertawa. Sembari begitu kita duduk bersebelahan, lalu kita mulai bicara sambil menerka jumlah bintang-bintang. Meski banyak ruang di sekeliling kita, aku akan duduk di sampingmu saja. Karena aku senang berada dekat denganmu.

Mari kita makan bersama. Apapun yang kamu suka! Tidak apa jika harus sayuran, karena katamu menyehatkan dan bagiku seperti sampah. Kita bisa makan di luar jika kamu pikir masakanku hambar atau kurang bumbu. Aku akan menemanimu, sungguh. Dan menyimpan potret dirimu dengan alis bertautan tatkala kamu memilih menu. Aku akan mendengarkanmu bercerita tentang apapun, meski sudah kamu katakan berkali-kali, dengan gayamu yang kuhafal atau logatmu yang menyebalkan, yang akan selalu aku rindukan. Aku tidak akan menyelamu. Karena aku senang mendengarmu bicara.

Mari kita bertemu di satu mimpi yang sama. Dimana aku tidak perlu tahu bagaimana perasaanmu, karena aku sudah tahu. Ketika kamu--seperti saat ini juga--tidak perlu katakan apa-apa lagi padaku, tapi aku merasakanmu sampai ke dasar jiwaku. Semoga aku bisa terus melihatmu begini: tersenyum malu-malu dengan sinar matamu yang penuh ledakan rindu, menggerakan jari-jari tanganmu yang cantik. Karena aku menyayangimu, sesederhana itu.



Aku akan banyak menulis apapun tentang kamu. Bagaimana aku melihatmu, bagaimana harapanku atau perasaanku padamu.. Lalu orang mulai bertanya kenapa. Kemudian aku tahu: karena ketika aku mengingat dirimu, yang kuingat adalah segala keindahan: dalam segala cara teraneh, yang sekaligus menghangatkan dan membahagiakan jiwaku, yang tentu saja hanya aku yang paham..

Maka aku menulismu selalu. Untukku.
Karena aku jatuh cinta.
Selalu.

Hanya jika.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku bisa bangun pagi, pukul enam. Bagiku itu sudah pagi, kamu tahu? Bukan untuk ibadah atau saat teduh dengan Ilahi. Tapi untuk bangunkan kamu, supaya kamu tidak terlambat. Memunguti ceceran kehidupan yang harus kamu susun dalam satu hari ke depan. Juga untuk sekedar mencium pucuk kepalamu, meski aku tahu kamu selalu benci jika ada yang sentuh-sentuh rambutmu.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku bisa pergi keluar saat makan siang. Bukan mencarimu atau makanan untukku makan. Tapi untuk beli pulsa, lalu menyapamu lewat resistensi jarak. 'Halo, bagaimana harimu?' begitu aku akan menyapamu, untuk sekedar kamu tahu bahwa aku ada jika kamu ada apa-apa. Kamu juga bisa tanya bagaimana aku, jika kamu mau. Aku akan katakan betapa hariku penuh dengan lukisan wajahmu di langit-langit kepalaku. Lalu mungkin, jika kamu mau, kita akan bertemu. Bukan karena ingin bicara, tapi karena saling rindu lekukan wajah yang disembuhkan lewat secangkir dua cangkir kopi.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku akan pulang lebih awal, naik metromini. Menuju rumah yang katanya milik kita. Menyiduk air dari bak mandi dan memanaskannya untukmu. Sembari itu, aku juga akan siapkan makanan yang kubeli di jalan, supaya ketika kamu pulang rumah kita penuh aroma bumbu, dan juga cinta di uap dapur. Lalu jika kamu mau, kita bisa duduk di depan TV, nonton MTV atau acara musik--yang kamu bilang bisa kamu dengar seharian--dan menyanyi. Seperti kita dulu saat kita masih lebih muda.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku bisa menggaruk punggungmu, dengan ujung kuku jari tanganku pelan-pelan, karena aku tahu kamu akan cepat mengantuk. Kita bisa saling berhadapan setelah gosok gigi, dan bicara soal noneksistensi mahkluk luar angkasa, ketakutan terbesar kita, atau khayalan tentang anak. 'Ayo kita berdoa,' demikian aku akan mengajakmu. Lalu dalam rentetan ucapan monoton, dengan cara kita masing-masing, kita berdoa untuk malam.

Jika saja kamu mau. Aku bisa lakukan ini berkali-kali. Beribu-ribu kali. 
Untukmu, setiap hari.