Is it just me, or?

People ask me what we are now. I don't know. When they ask me who he is, I'd say, 'a friend.', then they continue to ask, 'do you have a crush on him?', I'd say I don't. They would say, 'weird,' and they won't believe in what I say. They always think that when two people being together, it means that more likely they are or soon to be in a relationship. So when I told them things the way things actually are, about me and how this thing going with this beautiful man, they simply question it, or call me liar. Whatever.

Sometimes I think I was different. A bad kind of different. When all of my friends are busy making relationship, this thing hanging between me and this guy is far from the definition of boyfriend/girlfriend thing, we do not do that.. We do not say it out loud, how we feel.. Sometimes I think that it's just me, that he maybe does not feel the same way as I am, but I do not simply give up on hope.. And believe in myself, in what I feel, a little bit more. Sometimes, you love so much, so deep, you become the other person you love. You reflect their words, their way of thinking, how they talk, how they act.. I don't even have crush on him anymore, because I am a way far than that. I love him. It is unspoken, but sometimes love is just love and you do not question love.

Then I start to realize that I have to differ the idea of being in a relationship, and being in love. In a relationship, two people are put together. They thought they might wanna be like that forever, achieving one or many goals of, I don't know.. Completing each other? Having kids? Sharing companion? They might as well wanted to see each other every minute of their lives, because that's how relationship works. You spend most of your time together, if possible, being under the same roof and sharing your foods, your extra bed, and most of all, your time.. It might fade one day, you know, just like people couldn't promise such thing as, 'I'll love you forever,' as forever is a matter of time, which you can't guarantee because the Time is not yours.. Then relationship became a noun, a state to describe the combining result of two people together. The thing is what if you get bored? What if you realize eventually you don't want them anymore? What if you possess them so much they slip off and be gone? While you can't help but being possessive because the other person are yours, forever, just because you think you are in a relationship.. Gotta say, though. In a relationship, you cannot guarantee love.

Meanwhile, being in love is totally different state.. When you love, you pour your heart into this one person. They never leave your mind though at times you might not realize it. You go to work, you do your job. But when you feel the need to stop a little while, you feel your blood rushes, your heart beats hard.. And then, there they are, carried with you all along your veins. It makes you smile and helps you get through hard days. It's love. When you love, you might not always see each other, might see a lot of different person every single day. But once you see them in person, you just knew it's them. You miss this one person so much, you cannot, stop, talking. That is when you realize, that other people, lots and lots of them everyday, is just a reminder of how much this one person means to you, that the rest of them don't matter anymore, you don't want anybody else anymore.. Despite all difficulties, you gain commitment. When the time comes and both of you finally see each other without any interferences of life, you look at them in the eyes. Then the sparks tell you, 'I've been waiting for you, and I love you so much.' And it cannot be wrong.


So, when next time people ask me, 
'why don't you both be in relationship already?' or tell me, 
'you both look cute together, just be in a relationship for God's sake,'

I'd just smile, and say, 
'well, no..' 

I'd stop just for a moment, 
'because I don't need to be in a relationship anymore. I'm in love with him. I wish he is, too. And that is what matters to me,'

and fuck the rest of the world who tells me otherwise.

Prologue

She had heard a lot of people talk—blabber around—about love. How it was the first sight that catches your heart the most. She thought there was no such thing. How could you explain scientifically to yourself, how a single sight could manipulate so much it made your mind couldn’t stop working, your body were sore, aching of missing the incomplete figure of one’s sight. It sounded wrong, you wouldn’t get that. And so when she first met him, she couldn’t understand how it finally made sense to her that a single sight could do so much. She couldn’t help but to stare. Like she has been blind for so long, it was her first time looking at the sun.

When two people met and their lives collided, like, somehow the universe conspired to align two lifelines of human being, we called it destiny. It happens every once in a while, if you’re careful enough to see it. Sometimes it gets so blur, like a phantom. But when you finally did, you would see that life—well, no matter how hard it has been, or how much you hated it—was such a great director for everybody. Doesn’t mean it couldn’t screw up, though. When life put two people together, tangling their paths, it forgot to see the correlations between them: whether their grandparents, or their great grandparents had met in one, solid line. Then you began to think. If descent was the issue, if one day they’d be so in love, if the next day they fell outta love, how could they be separated completely? It was the worst part, to be honest.

She dreamed of him a lot, she knew it was prohibited. But she couldn’t stand it. In her dreams, he was as surreal as he has been. He was out of her reach, but keep coming to her and said, ‘where are we going?’. It was some kind of revelation, she realized. They wouldn’t go anywhere, they were too close by blood. When she woke up, she would usually miss him more than she should.

 

A post with so many Exclamation Marks

A REASONABLE NOTE-TO-SELF

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are for the night with frustrations (which will be elaborated below):

• A lonely Sunday you spend along by yourself. "You see, I need to see you frequently in order to keep me sane. And any other day rather than Sunday is sadly not guaranteed. So, another Sunday not seeing you means another 6 additional days to another Sunday, which is super long considering the amount of time we get to spend on every Sunday is less than 8 hours. Then if I'm still not going to see you again the next Sunday, I don't know anymore how to keep myself on a right mood track.. So please, do me a favor. Stay in touch." Well, this is me wishing myself to finally have the courage to say whatever it is inside the quotation marks to T, which is relieving even though it sounds like stupid, talking to my own blog.
• Money crisis. Whoa, hold it, Stepphenie if you're going to explode, watch it because you have nobody to blame poverty. Find a job! Pfft, of course you don't want a job right now, right, you want money! Keep blabbering about having nothing, it might helps! You'll get tired of complaining and perhaps, start giving thanks of what you already had. I personally think that this is a stage of final depression. Plus stop being angry with everybody, it's like an in vain shout to an empty space. It echoes back to nobody but you! It will sound pretty much like... I don't know, what sound do you hate the most, self? Anyway what ever it is, you'll hate it! So, don't start the war. Stay low, stay low. This won't help, you'll still get so angry within, but hey it will pass! (((winking hard)))
• Social media and stupid people. Cut off as many people as you could! You're mature enough to differ acquaintance, a friend you don't need, a friend you're gonna keep, or mom's friends ew. If you're not into this or that person, and remember you don't need any particular reason to hate somebody, remove them. It's as simple as block button, hit it! Do what makes you happy. People won't stop annoying you. Cut. Them. Off. Keep your circle small. So small you could almost hold it in one hand. It feels so much better now, doesn't it?!
• Insecurity. There's no such thing, barbie. Congratulations, you're right! People hate you! :) It's okay if you're gonna hate them back! It's okay, Stepphenie, you don't have to like everybody as well! Oh, God, look at how fun it is! Don't try to act nice, for your own sake, you don't need them! (You won't hate people you know you'll need, clever). Don't let the vision of people hating you gets any bigger than your titties. Hate them, hate them so much you're gonna explode.
• "Am I running out of time to do something worthy in my life?" Well. I gotta say to you, self, that eventually people die and all that you've fought for will be nothing but dusty memories of an empty life, nobody would even notice! If you're, let say, 22 now, and you're still got nothing to do, nobody hires you, plus you're fat and single, with no achievements at all, I'll tell you what: Stepphenie, you're not Justin fucking Bieber! Do not compare, and walk on your own speed. As long as you don't stop or commit suicide--even you're going to get beaten up so much, and wow, look at how much hatred you project to yourself right then!--at one point, life will stop mocking you. And eventually it will turn out good in the end. Of course, then you die. Fantastic.
• Seniors. Fucking seniors. Since you're me, and I you, I know this has always been an issue. Say something to them. If you can't find something nice to say, or if you really hate them, say something clever but devastating. Never let ages define who you are and your quality of thinking. If you're right, then you are! Stay away from that kind of people (which I believe you have in mind the name(s) of who they are, right, cause you're basically me! Haha, I'm hilarious as fuck). You pretend they're not there, ignore their existences, make people befriended you and not them. They'll eventually eat their shits they've spilled out about you, and act nice to you in return. Ha, I warn you, it is shit! They are full of shits, you don't wanna smell them! Keep staying away, then you're good. Nevertheless, you're a human being, not their juniors admiring, begging to be, or obsessing your seniors for fuck sake. P.S: These are facts, it happened. You cannot argue these. Oh! Plus, plus, plus! Never, believe in your senior's stupid forecast telling you this/that about everything. They're human, pretending to read your life, not God. (If by all means sometimes--just sometimes--you question about God, then you have literally ZERO reason to believe in their stupid forecast.)
• How romantically pathetic you are. Yes, indeed. Keep feeling blue, keep telling yourself you're not worth it, because you actually are not worth it! :) Look at you: you are fat, you hate yourself while at the same time hating everybody, you're far from the definition of beautiful. But it's okay. At least you know you're the kind of person who fight your best, and you don't give up. Maybe one day, life will set you up with one person: who is absolutely as fucked up as you and your messed up thought about self-worth. But maybe life won't, either. (Ha! Accept it, this is a depressing post.) Anyway, who cares if you're ugly?! Do not push yourself to have a better body or personalities, it's a waste of time! Everybody rots up sooner or later. Eat that now.
• "I can't find any other good things about life." At least you're still you. You're not some pretty grownup women with super beautiful hair and faces and perfect-sized butts/breasts, but empty without brains. Appreciate that you still have one. That's why you keep hating life: because you keep thinking. So, at the moment all these hit you again, stop it. No matter how fucked up your life this time might be, you still got one person who understands. That one person is you. Have a good day, self. 

#Selfloveaboveall

Para Perantau

temu bukanlah kehendakmu atau juga aku.
ada pisah dalam temu kita, agaknya pasti, lebih dari kira.
akan ada rentang dalam jejarakan yang dipastikan.
bukan karena mauku atau maumu, toh memang sudah seharusnya begitu, bukan?
kita butuh spasi ini: supaya kita bisa bernafas,
tetapi tidak sejauh linang air mata, untuk tahu
bahwa aku dan kamu tetap butuh kita.

ada kesedihan yang menyenangkan yang kita jumpai dalam pelukan
atau racau seiring doa, "sampai jumpa lagi di penghujung nanti,"
ada semoga yang selalu didoakan, agar bahagiaku dan bahagiamu
meski bukan bahagia yang bersama, bisa bertemu dalam jarak yang bukan milik kita.

lalu, ada kesenangan yang menyedihkan
yang kita jumpai dalam tawa lepas dan obrolan kotor
dan gurau yang hanya kita pahami selepas hari-hari sulit.
karena tidak ada waktu yang tak kita habiskan,
sampai waktu dan jarak bermusuhan dengan kita.
biarkan saja dulu. akan ada saatnya temu kali nanti--tidak seperti yang dulu
jadi kehendak bebas, pilihanku dan juga kamu.

pada saat itu, akan ada sekali lagi kesenangan
yang kali ini pasti, pasti menggembirakan.
sampai jumpa dan selamat berbahagia!





untuk sahabat dalam rentang waktu yang selamanya,
Steph.