Capricorns.

It's in my traits, you know. To constantly hope for the best, but expecting the worst. I have seen so much people, how they speak about love. Of course, it might have so many different interpretations for each and everyone of them. Because just like God, you recognize love and its existence, in your experience of encountering it. What I see is that love is never a guarantee. You might say you love someone, but who knows your body needs more than just love itself? I'm not saying that loving someone should always be about touching and physical contact, but hey it's true! How many times have you seen someone said, 'I love you', yet they keep looking for others temporarily. 'You're my forever,' they'd say, 'they're nothing, they are just them. You will always be you,' Bull-shit. Like being in love was never enough. Like love was an excuse to go back home after years of wild adventures when you had nothing to eat anymore. Like people actually some kind of need the distraction. It's a human nature. I've seen it: I've seen lots and lots of unfaithfulness, and how they somehow made me stop hoping for love. That's actually the reason why I know, I'll never find one.

I keep it to myself all this time. Because I'm still some kind of hoping that maybe someday I will. Life's a bitch, you know. You want something, it won't give you any, or yes it will, but a little too late. You hate something, it would keep coming back like an itch on your back. Now that I think about it, I think I've found it out since I was a little girl already. I used to forcefully suggest my mind the counter-point of a fact, because I was sure as fuck what will happen is the other side of the statements I've made. It buried deep down inside of me, and I've been carrying it all along. Now that I grew up and I want something, I will forcefully suggesting, that I won't get that. It's like a hopeless kind of faith, a kind-of-shy form of expectation. Maybe being with you are one of the case.

Mom asked me about you. I told her you were nothing. She doubted me. So I also told her that in fact I won't find love again in the future. She told me to watch my mouth. And right after I said it out loud, I cried so hard. I don't even know why I'm scared. Maybe because deep down I thought I can't wait any longer for it to happen otherwise. But also maybe, just maybe, because I knew, it is somehow true.



P.S : I'm not kidding, though. About love isn't always about physical thing. Because I've been kissed, and hugged, and made love with by you, without you even touching me. It made me believe that one day when we finally kissed, it won't be your lips that I'd taste. It's your soul.



Of course I should tell everybody otherwise or else it won't happen. Right?