Ditulis, dengan penuh cinta

Hari-hari seperti berlari tanpa berhenti, tak berjarak. Saat ini, kehidupan tidak sekadar berputar. Kehidupan berlari, berdetak, berhenti, lalu berlari lagi. Saat ini, ada individu lain yang begitu mengutuhkan, bungaku yang tumbuh. Ia berawal dari sajak kemudian menjadi wujud doa yang terlalu cepat dijamah. Ternyata begini rasanya saling jatuh cinta. Perencanaan yang hilang, waktu-waktu yang tak terukur, serta malam resah berganti damai, juga hatiku yang berkata, "terima kasih, terima kasih sekali."

Kata orang, jatuh cintalah perlahan, jangan tergesa-gesa, pada orang yang baik hatinya. Benarkah harusnya demikian? Hingga akhirnya aku menemukan potongan-potongan diriku pada seseorang seperti Wirvan Liegestu, aku tak pernah tahu diriku ini tak utuh. Intinya, aku bersyukur ia menemuiku. Ia tidak tahu, kan, berapa lama aku memintanya pada semesta, sampai ia perlahan, pelan-pelan, mulai melihatku ada.



--

Hari ini, Wirvan Liegestu merayakan hari jadinya yang ke-24 tahun. Waktu adalah.. sesuatu yang luar biasa, bukan? Karena pada detik, menit, hingga hari dan tahun yang baginya sudah tepat, waktu tidak hanya mampu mempertemukan, tetapi juga menciptakan rasa yang tidak pernah kau duga. Malam lalu, aku menyaksikan detik bergulir, sampai hari berganti. Sudah tanggal 31 Mei. Aku menduga banyak hal baik akan muncul. Aku melihat sekeliling ruang, lalu berhenti pada matanya.

Ia katakan padaku, "It's been a great year,"

"Yes," jawabku, "yes, it has."

Seraya menemukan senyumnya merekah, aku memeluknya erat. Bagaimana waktu bisa tahu, bahwa hari ini, setelah tahun-tahun yang berlalu, akhirnya ia menemukanku disini, pada usia yang lebih siap, saat kedewasaan menghampirinya bagai kawan lama yang pulang dari perantauan.


"Happy birthday, baby."


--

Buta Warna

Semalam, aku menghabiskan waktu menonton di bioskop bersama Jonathan. Dalam perjalanan ke gedung pertunjukkan, kami melintas di bawah simpang susun Semanggi. Jakarta menyala-nyala malam ini. Joe berdecak kagum, mengajakku melayangkan pandang ke lampu jalan serupa bintang, berkedap-kedip terbentang sejauh jembatan layang itu. "Sebentar lagi Natal," katanya bergumam. Aku mengangkat tanganku tinggi di udara, melepaskan peganganku dari pangkal kain bajunya dari atas bangku motor yang kami kendarai, menghirup udara malam. Kebebasanku. "Sebentar lagi Natal," aku mengulang perkatannya. Membenarkan. Menyadarkan. Merah muda yang cantik sekali, pikirku dalam diam. Seperti sisi feminis malam di Jakarta, yang selama ini terlalu macho bertahan: Jakarta tak pernah tidur.

Perjalanan semalam mengingatkanku akan konsep warna. Kau tahu, tidak. Akbar buta warna. Pengetahuan itu membuatku ingin tertawa lebar-lebar. Lucu sekali bermain tanya jawab akan persepsi yang ia lihat. Hijauku dan hijaunya, pasti berbeda. Ia tidak mampu membedakan ungu dan biru. Baginya, warna ungu pada terong hanyalah sebuah pengetahuan umum.

Aku ada, aku nyata. Aku adalah entitas yang solid dan setiap hari bersiborok dengan kehadiran pikiran. Aku jadi berfikir sendiri. Seringkali, begitukah cara kita memahami kehidupan dan segala sesuatu? Begitu pula hubungan manusia dengan individu? Apa yang kupahami abu-abu, pun abu-abu dipersepsi orang lain, meski pada kenyataannya kita melihat dunia secara berbeda. Tidakkah mengesankan ketika perbedaan dapat menyepakati suatu konsep yang sama tentang keindahan, tentang bagaimana manusia melihat bumi dan alam raya, serta tersenyum oleh karenanya.



My muse is in everybody's DNA. I love deep thoughts and good talks. I think that is what makes human the most interesting for me, the ability to think and question things, as well as to feel and connecting emotions. As if we're all creature with the same antenna, we connect to each other like none ever could.

Maascmechelen, 2017

My Paramabira,

congratulations on our achievements:

2nd place of Mixed Choir Category,

2nd place of Equal Voice Category,

Best Performance of the Compulsory Work of Mixed Choir, and 

The Prize of the Audience.

---

Ketika tujuan dan keinginan kita yang sama menjadi doa yang terwujud,

tetaplah merunduk seperti padi yang menguning,

tapakkan kakimu pada tanah, kariblah dengan ibu bumi.

Ketika kau telah menerima kebaikan semesta sebaik ini, tengadahlah,

di bawah Tuhan yang menjelma malam,

dalam takzim dan sembah semahdi,

mengucap syukurlah,

mengucap syukurlah sepenuh hati.

---

I am so proud of us.

Singing Marendeng Marampa (Arr. Hegra Soestrisno)

Piso Surit (Arr. Amilio Fahlevi) is one of the best Indonesian folksong I've sung.

Details, hand gestures, crumples, and gold finishes.

My precious, I present you, the male choir.

When feminism is not an issue.

Close up look to the basses section.

Singing Ahtoi Porosh, one of the best piece they brought that I loved.

Singing Yamko Rambe Yamko (Arr. Agustinus Bambang Jusana).

Tenors and their expressions.

The eminent Gayatri Mantram, on pitch.

The complete mixed choir, and I was smiling 'cause I was living a life.

Having this idea crystal clear in my head before even taking it.

Now that it ends, 

I found out somehow that

there's nothing more frightening than

having your dreams come true.

What Makes Me Happy #13

Tidakkah menyedihkan, kita memasuki postingan-postingan terakhir kita sekarang, Put?

Aku bersumpah atas langit dan bumi, aku menikmati rasa sedih dan nelangsa yang kurasakan ketika melihat ke langit malam. Seperti diriku yang mencari-cari alasan untuk tidak baik-baik saja, kau tahu? Mencari-cari seseorang untuk aku sedihkan, untuk aku pikirkan. Aku hanya heran--jika tak dapat kau katakan sedih--atas begitu banyaknya rasa cinta dan afeksi yang sungguh-sungguh ingin kubagi, tetapi tak ada siapa-siapa disini. Tersebut nama seseorang di benakku, tetapi.. ah, rasanya bukan dia. Karena jika dia orangnya, aku akan tahu.

I started to question my worth, again.

-----

Tentang sedihku dan postingan terakhirmu.

Mungkin saja pada semesta yang berlawanan, kita sedang duduk bersamping-sampingan. Mendiskusikan rasa awan, warna-warna perasaan. Lucu sekali di dunia paralel, ada aku dan kamu yang dekat secara badaniah. Mungkin pula kita bertanya-tanya, menertawakan, bagaimana jadinya jika kita tidak pernah bertemu.

Atas satu-dua kali pertemuan, kita dulu tak banyak bicara, ya? Tapi aku sungguh bersyukur aku mengenal tulisanmu, rasanya seperti bicara dengan diri sendiri.

-----

Sudah lama tidak menulis, I got so much in my mind. Meski aku tidak tahu harus mulai darimana, tetapi menyenangkan rasanya kembali menumpahkan diri dalam tulisan receh ini.

Aku menyukai sentuhan, sungguh. Aku tidak senaif dulu, berfikir bahwa manusia salah jika bergumul dengan nafsu. What can I say? Sentuhan itu menyenangkan, entah apapun maksud dibaliknya. Aku menyukai sentuhan yang bersamamu. Aku merasa jatuh cinta dengan sentuhan kita. Kukatakan padamu, bukan pikiran atau karaktermu yang membuatku suka, tetapi betapa kita cocok dalam sentuhan. Aku juga baru tahu, manusia bisa jatuh cinta pada sisi lain yang satu ini. Baru kutahu, karena baru pertama kali ini kualami. Mungkin beberapa hal tidak selaras dengan nilai yang kita percaya. Mungkin kau merasa kita harus memelihara jarak.. Mengapa kita harus selalu mempersulit segala hal, ketika sesuatu sebenarnya tidak serumit yang kita kira? Why can't we leave things as things are?

Seandainya beberapa hal bisa terus saja sama, selalu begitu. Aku tidak ingin ada yang berubah.

-----

Aku baru sadar, ini bukan postingan yang membahagiakan. Maafkan aku.

What Makes Me Happy #12

The art of holding hands.

I always fond of the idea of unity when people hold their hands together.
They would breath the same anxiety of their uncomfortable partner, while
excitement would play around, makes them groggy and nervous.
Yesterday, I held his hand. This guy, whom I tried so hard to love, but can't.
We were sitting next to each other. It was raining outside as we sat on a bus on our way home.
Strange. I don't feel homesick at all. It feels like the touch of our hands onto each other,
makes right everything that is not. He took my left hand, held it tight, filling the spaces..
We were listening to the same song beat. We sang along as our fingers entwined.
He uplifted it in the air when he tried to dance, and took it back close to his heart.
We talked in low voices, as he teased me and came back holding my hands tighter.
We were so close, his scent stained on my shirt, inside my palm, on my mind.
This is nice, right? Holding hands, unrequited love. I don't know which side.
I looked out the window and traced the raindrops. My vision blurred,
I saw only the reflection of us. I rubbed my thumb unto his,
softly reminded myself: When the road ends, we will too.

What Makes You Happy #4

Kepada Putri.


Aku juga hendak menuliskan hal yang sama, kau tahu, tentang pertemuan kita.
Apa kabar? Kamu kurus sekali sekarang, pun begitu cantik ketika aku melihatmu kala itu.
Apa yang kau kerjakan? Apakah kau bahagia?
Apa kau menikmati waktu-waktu yang kau habiskan bersama orang lain?
Aku harap demikian.

Kemarin itu aku sedang rapat mempersiapkan konserku ke Semarang.
Aku begitu menikmati segala kepusinganku minggu-minggu ini.
Setelah melalui hari-hari magang yang jauh lebih menyulitkan, aku merasa ini jadi tidak ada apa-apanya. Dan aku menikmati diriku yang produktif, setidaknya aku menghasilkan sesuatu.
Jam tidurku mulai kacau dan excitement terhadap sesuatu yang entah apa keeps me awake at night.
Aku harap aku bisa lebih kurus, dan lebih sehat tentu saja. Supaya aku bisa lebih melihat diriku sebagai ciptaan yang juga cantik.


Putri.
Aku senang di usia muda kau menemukan dirimu dalam tulis-menulis dan kata-kata.
Saat pertama kali aku mulai menulis, atau membaca novel dewasa di usia yang tidak seharusnya,
aku pikir hanya aku yang bisa jatuh cinta dengan tulisan liar dan mengekspresikan diri lewatnya.
Jadi ketika aku membuat blog ini--yang kini kutinggalkan karena aku aktif
menulis di Steller--aku tidak yakin akan ada yang membaca selain diriku.

Ketika akhirnya aku memutuskan untuk menyudahi surat menyurat dengan lelakiku itu (yang tentu saja sifatnya satu arah. Lucunya, aku harap ketika aku mati ia akan membacanya meski terlambat),
you told me not to stop.

Terima kasih, ya, Put!
Karena tulisanmu yang inspiratif, yang cerdas, yang tidak main-main.
karena ajakanmu yang menguatkanku untuk menulis hal-hal baik ini,
terutama atas waktumu, yang kau habiskan untuk mebaca cerita-ceritaku yang sederhana.

Sungguh, aku bahagia sekali punya pembaca setia.
Meski hanya kamu, satu!



Terus berbahagia, oke?

Naked.

There was a time when we were mesmerized of each other. Wondering, how could somebody be as amazing as us. How was life before us? How we thank every universe that we united, that we flared up even brighter, that we blossomed into somebody better.

Us.

I have radiated all my marvels. My senses, truest self, and sparks. I ran out of wonders to give to you now. Well, at least we both know there is no such thing as endless wonder. Amusement dies, love disappears, wonder fades out. We don't talk cause we read minds. We don't ask cause we both already knew. This silence. This subtle. This peaceful state of us.

I have peeled off your skin. That now I can only see your reality. You are not a flesh nor a bone.

You are an impeccable soul that illuminates the door of my heart.

Even in your darkest times.

Still, I think you're as wonderful as I first saw you.

Kodaline - All I Want

It's not because you are better than anyone else, that I loved you.

It's because I love you, that you've made me a better person.

Loving you transformed me, to loving myself even more.

As I'm typing this, I wonder how life was without ever knowing you.

Thank you so much for existing. 

Entwined.

I read the word somewhere.
I felt something so weird, so weird that it warms my heart.
Entwined. It's like my soul unto yours.
It's like Saturday nights and Sunday evenings
that echo and follow, always.

I saw you yesterday.
I'll meet you tomorrow.
In between, I am entwined
to the promise that I will see you again.

Your big day is getting closer.
I can't wait to witness it with you.
Entwined, deeper, harder,
I don't mind how painful it must be
when one day we have to let go.
I entwined myself in you.

I'm tangled.

Cinta monyet.

This isn't going to be a cheesy romantic speaking like I always do. I do this, because at one point in my life, I realised I survived life. I have seen someone from the past, and look at so many nights I cried over him, screaming, pleading God to bring him back. I remember the day I was so devastated, lying on the floor and cry myself to sleep. Waking up and felt like shit every single day, questioning, 'why am I still alive'. This is a true story about a guy: the greatest in giving me love as great as God could, as well as suffer, the most painful one. 

'Look at that. Look at the sun. It is set, now. Look how beautiful.' she said. She held her breath, not blinking. Watching the sun set in a high place, with him. 'I know,' he said. Reaching her from behind. She was not comfortable. She doesn't like it when someone puts hands on her bellies. But he held it tighter. 'I know,' and they both were quiet in awe. He jumped in front of her with his wide arms. He smiled like he was so overwhelmed with joy, he asked her, 'Which one, baby? Me or the sun?' She knew it's always been him. He was the greatest creation. He was hers. She never thought of wanting to have something more precious than him. She smiled so wide, so radiant, and hugged him close. 'You,' she said. They became like one, in a long long time.

It was the best sunset she witnessed. When night appeared, they held hands to look at the stars. There were none on the body of the night. None of them had guts to steal a kiss, cause they had never tried.. He held her face in his big hands and look at her eyes, bewildered. 'I love you,' he said. 'I love you,' repeating the words again, and again, and again, that it started to lose its meaning.. 'I love you,' he told her for the last time, emphasizing, reassuring. 'I love you, too,' and then she cried on his shoulder, bursting in a strange, crazy, magical feeling she had never known she could feel. She understands now of why is it so hard to forget the first person you loved, 'cause that person had once made u felt so loved and that feeling is just godly.

When he said, 'I lost feelings,' all the air was gone. When he said, 'I don't love you anymore,'  something inside of her was dead. She was lost ever since, she was dead. She was not okay for quite a very long time. Days were hard and he was gone. He was not there. She was left with no love left to herself.. She hated days and nights, and sunsets. Cause they reminded her of him too much.

People said it was an old love. That the him that was hers before, was already long gone. Why couldn't she stop thinking of him. They thought, time should have washed him away. Life must have been better for her. While she never felt happiness too much, because he was no longer hers to share. She never felt sadness in a way sadness should. It was way worse than any longing in the world, she never wanted to come back. Then she guessed she never stopped loving him after all. She just woke up one day and decided to let him go. 

So people would stop bugging her.

You know, I guess I had never drawn too deep in loving someone rather than you. Never even had worse heart break when someone left, except when you went away. I guessed you're the greatest after all this time. You still are. And I wish you happiness with whom ever you are, right now, and for the rest of your life. Knowing deeply that whoever she is, she's the luckiest to be loved by you.

While Listening to O by Coldplay.

I am thinking of the aftermath, the adherent, consequences of loving you.
People say what's worst about loving something so much, is knowing that you can't have it.
They also say that when you love something, you should not possess them: you let them live instead.
That's the truest form of love, to let it grow, to see it comes bigger, without caging them someplace.
And somewhat true, we feel bliss just to see it that way.
Society got twisted, right? About love and possession, anger and disappointment.
They started to think when you love someone, they have to love you back.
Either way, it's not love at all. It's the unrequited stupid hunger, of affection. What was that, again?
Well, I have to stay still though, they are not capable of understanding it..

If only you had the same feeling towards me, as much as I am willing to give you ever since,
they say, we would already be together by now. Thing is that I am an open book, they can read me. While you.. I honestly don't know how you feel, you never told me.. But what ever it is, it makes me happy. It completes me somehow in the most humanly way possible. I am craving, yearning, admiring the feeling you gave me, it surprised me in the time I least expected it. You are different, you made me feel different in every best way I could tell. You made me happy without words of love, so I didn't question it, like, I don't need it.. You speak louder than every romance courtesy. Then again, loving you makes me love myself even more. In the end, how could I possibly not loving you if so?

I always knew we couldn't be together, I'm not making it an aim as well. I know probably we're that different, that hard to be with each other, it's okay. I'm not withdrawing myself at all, and I won't. If one day you had to go--like, go, away--in a way that we're not this close anymore, or geographically distant from each other, I'll remember you always, always. And there would be no greater loss by then. It's not regret, okay, it's loss. It's a mess, total pain, an agony. But right now, as long as you're still near--I could tell by the way you wanted to see me just as much--as long as we're together and fine, I cherish you with every breath, every eye blink, every second of my everyday, Tvstn. It's okay if one day we have to separate our way, I thank God that we ever crossed our paths and be together for quite long time. The me that is me right now, won't ever be without your presence. You will someday leave with remaining melodies you sometimes sing, and your shy smile that nobody could ever have, but you. I knew, and I'll be okay as long as you are too.


To the person whom I am now loving, so much, with all humility I could evince.
I've never loved anybody to the point where I don't want to possess them anymore,
for the sake of my belief: that to love is to set free.

Tentang Perasaan.

Kemarin lalu, seorang teman menanyakan bagaimana perasaanku padamu.
Aku diam sesaat, menimbang-nimbang: seberapa banyak? Seberapa besar?

Begini, sayang..
Aku mencintaimu pelan-pelan, disaat aku pikir aku mencintai orang lain.
Aku tidak sepenuhnya jatuh, aku melangkah perlahan bersamamu.
Saat aku kehilangan jati diri, saat aku menangis histeris, saat aku berusaha menata lagi hidupku.
Kemudian aku mencintaimu sesederhana itu, sesederhana kamu ada.
Tanpa perlu tahu bagaimana perasaanmu, tanpa perlu cintaku terbalaskan.
Mencintaimu sesederhana menyapamu setiap pagi, merindukanmu setiap malam,
dan bertemu padamu di hari-hari tersulit, mendengarkan cerita dan lagu-lagumu,
sesekali berbagi kisah, lalu melihatmu tersenyum seperti itu.
Aku mencintaimu tanpa beban, tanpa rasa-rasa khawatir,
tanpa menuntut kamu untuk menjadi sama sepertiku.
Selama kamu ada.. Selama kamu disini, ada bersamaku..

Lalu kukatakan padanya, bahwa aku sangat mencintaimu.
Dan aku sungguh-sungguh untuk itu.



Selamat tahun baru, Inspirasi!

Puisi Senada

Sejatinya riak air mataku akan selalu menemukan muaranya di bahumu.
Ada saatnya aku mengelak, lalu akhirnya menyerah pada rindu-rindu yang berisik.
Berjauhan, meski tidak bermusuhan. Menjaga jarak, meredam gemuruh. Berharap kau ada.
Lalu semalam aku melihatmu, menemukanmu tersenyum dalam tatapan yang malu-malu,
dan semua pertahanan yang susah-susah kubangun
luruh, habis, runtuh bersama rindu.
Di titik-titik besar dalam hidupku, apa jadinya jika tidak ada kamu?
Tidak akan ada bahagia yang terlalu atau sedih yang sewajarnya.
Bagaimana jika kau tak ada? Bagaimana jika akhirnya kau pergi?
Kau tahu pilihan untuk pergi selalu ada dalam genggaman tanganmu, bukan?
Kau juga tahu aku selalu ada, menitipkanmu dalam doa pengantar tidur, melepaskanmu jika kamu ingin pergi: percaya bahwa kau akan selalu berpulang.
Terima kasih sudah hadir di waktu-waktu bahagia, di waktu-waktu aku paling ingin kau ada.
Terima kasih sudah memberi jarak, memberi ruang yang kubutuhkan untuk membutuhkanmu,
terima kasih karena dengan begitu aku bernafas.

Semoga seiring kehidupan yang berjalan,
angka-angka terendah dan tertinggi dalam pergerakan waktu,
ada kamu. Cukup ada kamu.

Lost.

I could die, you know.
Wandering around, thinking of you.
Of what you're doing, of what you're thinking of at the current time. Are you okay.
I go on days, having to pretend that I am okay and that I don't mind: I could handle this.
Which you always know that I'm not good at multi-tasking, it's so exhausting.
I could die holding back the urge to text, to call,
moreover to meet you. I'm so overwhelmed of night thoughts that lead me to my full-of-you dreams.
I could die.. I could die of missing somebody too much that my mind can't contain.
But it's not even the worst part.
Knowing that maybe I am the burden,
the bridge or high walls, in between you and the bright nexts.
You're no where to be found, I don't know where you are..
I never meant to push nor seem like I am forcing you to need me as much as I do.
It's just that onto you, I spill over my heart. Onto you, I surrender my trust.
In you, I found myself.


But where are you, now?
Where am I, now?
I don't see myself anywhere.
I could die.





Be back soon, be fine soon, okay?

A.

I love you along with the Time.

I love you in speculation of my own.

I love you by giving in.

I love you in every hour.

When I wake up in the morning,

when I'm tired and about to sleep.

I love you without doubts.

I love you by submission,

Knowing that the choice to leave, was all yours.

Like giving you the freedom to go.

Believing, hoping, that you won't.

I love you more than I allow myself to.

Pagi penuh doa.

Pagi ini ada namamu muncul. Kamu aneh sekali. Agaknya hanya kamu yang mengerti bahwa hidup itu milikmu, tidak perlu lagi kamu bagikan atas dasar cari perhatian. Kecuali jika kamu pikir hidupmu tidak penting. Kamu tahu tidak? Buatku kamu tetap semenarik itu. Hanya saja, memang aku yang sentimentil, karena aku merasa seperti kamu juga menghapus aku dan ceritaku. Tapi seperti halnya rindu dan cinta, kamu itu orang yang menyuarakan hidupmu diam-diam. Ketika kamu ada, aku tidak perlu lagi pertanyakan apapun tentang hidup, karena kamu adalah wujud nyata hidup itu sendiri.

Aku jadi tahu sekarang, mengekspos hidup bukan lagi prioritasmu. Tapi aku, aku tahu semuanya tanpa perlu kamu pampang sana-sini.
Aku jadi paham sekarang, mungkin aku orang terpilih yang boleh tahu kisah dan cerita hidupmu, atau sesederhana bagaimana rambutmu panjang dan jerawatmu tumbuh.
Aku jadi mengerti sekarang, bahwa canduku sebenarnya ada pada kamu, bukan mediamu.

Pagi ini tidak hujan, tapi anginnya cukup dan mahatahari tidak menyengat. Aku bangun pagi tanpa dering alarm. Pagi ini ada namamu muncul. Baru aku sadar betapa damainya pagi seperti ini.

Untuk akhir Bulan Mei

Hanya kamu yang bisa semenarik itu saat bicara,
entah karena ekspresi atau sorot matamu yang jenaka,
meski waktu kamu sedang merasa tidak enak hati.

Hanya kamu yang bisa selantang itu menyuarakan isi hati,
tentang sesuatu yang ringan: seperti udara atau kemacetan
atau marahanmu yang membuatku merasa lucu.

Hanya kamu yang tersenyum seperti itu,
seperti matahari, seperti panel warna, seperti keindahan,
yang buat aku terang lagi ketika aku redup,
yang buat aku merasa optimis akan hari-hari baik.

Hanya kamu yang seperti itu mencintai,
dengan tidak berkata-kata,
dengan cara yang sederhana sekaligus luar biasa,
cinta-cinta yang tidak berisik.
Dengan perlahan, pelan-pelan, tapi menenangkan
sehingga aku tahu aku punya pegangan
ketika di tengah jalan aku oleng karena kehidupan.

Hanya kamu yang sebebas itu,
untuk pergi kala butuh waktu sendiri,
dan selalu datang lagi hari esok.
Menyuapi aku dengan obrolan tentang masa depan,
dan tidak pernah memberhentikanku untuk mengejar cita.
Kamu bilang itu hidup, kita hidup dengan memenuhi hidup.
Aku tau, ada kamu. Akan selalu ada kamu.
Kemanapun, dimanapun,
aku sudah titipkan hatiku padamu.



Hanya kamu yang bisa membuatku berhenti,
ketika aku mengingatmu di sela hariku,
di malam saat aku membicarakanmu pada Tuhanku,
terlebih waktu aku melihat kamu di hadapanku,

tersenyum seperti itu.

Conciliation.

I took my time alone to see everything. Especially to step aback and look at how nice life has been. Sure I sometimes couldn't differ it from dramas, but it's okay, really. I gotta say, though, life's nicer with problems. This might be a long post, I warned you.

------------------------------

I'm handling love stories with great advice, I wonder now why would I be the one with none if I'm that great? While asking myself why, I look at my friend's relationship. And how terrible it has been to keep convincing themselves the way they wanted to believe in something. He loves me, he would never cheat. He's kind, and he promised me 'forever' anyway. Blah. People will always be people, you know. They disappoint and they screw up lots of time, it's just our nature. When you pour your all into this shit, you would have no love left for yourself. It would all be just self pity one day, sooner or later, believe me. The idea of self love got twisted right here. Although maybe, some people love themselves so much they can't handle getting hurt once they broke up or facing loneliness. But some healing gets better after its worst, right? They were just not brave enough to deal with the after effect. And also, how numbers of years are not an accurate measurement of how stable relationship they're in. They said 'I love you' everyday, at the same time questioning 'is that really is?' like a mantra. Now how could you define love when it makes you feel insecure and terrible, most of the time? False alarm, friends. You do not need that kind of love. It's a hunger, of affection.

He never said the word love, unless it is necessary. Or when he felt the urge to say it, like when I said, 'I love you,' after a long talks with him. He would probably say, 'I love you too,' if I were lucky. We don't even chat on daily basis. But when things happened at work--anything, really!--we think of each other without saying it out loud. Like we've been sharing our thought telepathically: of how this MV he might like, the meal I found delicious and I knew he would too, the new girl at work whom he hated at the moment, the hatred towards stupid people and traffic jam, or simply just how happy I am that I have found him. All nothingness, and everythingness at the same time. My nobody as well as everything in my universe.

I don't remember being this safe when I'm with anybody else. Safe, as in... I know I don't have to worry about losing him. He doesn't need to tell me how he is, if he loves me today or not. He doesn't have to talk to me all the time, cause we both got lives to work on. He doesn't have to convince me that there's nobody else but me. He doesn't have to stop me from achieving my dreams, cause he probably knew that he's been in it, and that being close is never about the proximity, so 'accomplish your biggest wildest dreams while you got me, here'. And the most important thing is, I don't have to ask. Because somehow, I knew.




and vice versa.

I'm so thankful I've found you. Thank you, Tevinstein Amos, for putting up with me and being so skeptical towards my thoughts and judgement. I've learned to be a wiser person by then. For being yourself when you're with me, to the most highest form. For that I could be me, too, and know I won't be judged in return. So, yes! I love you. As much as I love myself, I love you too, cause you transformed me into a happier, better, human being who had grown love towards herself finally. You put that love into me. I love you. I love you, so much. 

Arrived.

They are not capable of understanding it. Not in words, not in explanations too. They have labels for everything. A friend, a lover, family.. It's like something has to be classified and everything has its noun. They thought it has to be. Sometimes, I got so overwhelmed--because they came from everywhere, seemingly--and I started to think that I was crazy to think my way. But I was meeting Ims, who thankfully knew it without me explaining too much. I recognized 26 different alphabets. I knew it well, I know how to put and make them good. But for this case, even I was not able to contemplate these combinations of words to explain, how grateful I am that somebody finally knows how it is now, and how okay it has been to have no label being with somebody.


I could feel the electricity. Bursting, looking for a way out of my veins. It pumped my nerves aggressively. I felt so swollen, it gave me butterflies simply because I talked about him. And as much as I talked, I realize deep down inside of me, there was this desire buried deep, deep, in a dark place of scare: to be somewhere with him. I don't know, what's the point of even trying, or being together if in the end you knew you wouldn't go anywhere, anyway? I said. Ims looked at me with his big eyes. We both were silent. There were long pauses..



Then I stopped. I stopped at one, and only one, conclusion. That I realized I've been becoming society. And that is not me.. That is not what I think I wanted, it's society. That actually, we don't have to be anywhere..





We're already there.

Karena selalu.

Mari kita duduk-duduk: di beranda rumah, di bangku taman, di ayunan reot milikku yang dulu, di atas rumput, atau di genting atap. Aku akan memperhatikan caramu tersenyum, atau meniru sudut dan ujung bibirmu yang tertawa. Sembari begitu kita duduk bersebelahan, lalu kita mulai bicara sambil menerka jumlah bintang-bintang. Meski banyak ruang di sekeliling kita, aku akan duduk di sampingmu saja. Karena aku senang berada dekat denganmu.

Mari kita makan bersama. Apapun yang kamu suka! Tidak apa jika harus sayuran, karena katamu menyehatkan dan bagiku seperti sampah. Kita bisa makan di luar jika kamu pikir masakanku hambar atau kurang bumbu. Aku akan menemanimu, sungguh. Dan menyimpan potret dirimu dengan alis bertautan tatkala kamu memilih menu. Aku akan mendengarkanmu bercerita tentang apapun, meski sudah kamu katakan berkali-kali, dengan gayamu yang kuhafal atau logatmu yang menyebalkan, yang akan selalu aku rindukan. Aku tidak akan menyelamu. Karena aku senang mendengarmu bicara.

Mari kita bertemu di satu mimpi yang sama. Dimana aku tidak perlu tahu bagaimana perasaanmu, karena aku sudah tahu. Ketika kamu--seperti saat ini juga--tidak perlu katakan apa-apa lagi padaku, tapi aku merasakanmu sampai ke dasar jiwaku. Semoga aku bisa terus melihatmu begini: tersenyum malu-malu dengan sinar matamu yang penuh ledakan rindu, menggerakan jari-jari tanganmu yang cantik. Karena aku menyayangimu, sesederhana itu.



Aku akan banyak menulis apapun tentang kamu. Bagaimana aku melihatmu, bagaimana harapanku atau perasaanku padamu.. Lalu orang mulai bertanya kenapa. Kemudian aku tahu: karena ketika aku mengingat dirimu, yang kuingat adalah segala keindahan: dalam segala cara teraneh, yang sekaligus menghangatkan dan membahagiakan jiwaku, yang tentu saja hanya aku yang paham..

Maka aku menulismu selalu. Untukku.
Karena aku jatuh cinta.
Selalu.