Sedang Kalut

Aku baru saja kembali sehabis bertemu dengan seorang kawan lama. Seseorang yang berbagi nama denganku, seolah tidak cukup, iapun berbagi tanggal kelahiran yang sama, zodiak yang sama, kenangan akan kelas-kelas yang sama. Sepertinya memang tidak lagi mengherankan kami berteman cukup baik. Aku tidak pernah takut canggung ketika bertemu dengan Stefani yang satu itu, entah bagaimana aku selalu tahu kami akan baik-baik saja meski bertahun-tahun tidak bertemu. Dan angka ini bukanlah hiperbola.

Aku pulang, memilih satu dari dua baju tidur dan menimbang-nimbang mana yang terbaik. Kadar obsesif kompulsif yang sudah tidak seharusnya. Akhirnya aku mengambil kaos panda kesukaanku, meski yang kuperoleh dari unit kegiatan mahasiswa yang tidak ingin kuingat-ingat. Semata karena baju ini kebesaran dengan lengan raglan (seharusnya) yang juga kepanjangan menurutku sesuai dengan udara Jakarta yang seperti kota Bandung pinggiran. Aku bukan orang yang suka mengenakan pakaian kebesaran, karena tidak ingin terkesan mengkerdilkan diri. Tapi kali ini aku buat pengecualian.

Aku melewati jam-jam pukul sebelas dengan melihat-lihat media sosial seorang kawan yang kukenal dari Paramabira. Belum lama ini kami berdua baru saja makan bersama. Aku selalu suka kepribadiannya yang jenaka, meski aku jadi ingat pernah tanpa sengaja mengatakan sesuatu yang melukai hatinya pada awal perkenalan kami. Tetapi masa itu sudah berlalu dan aku sudah lupa apa intinya. Membuka linimasanya membawaku pada halaman jurnal pribadi yang ia kerjakan sejak lama. Aku selalu suka membaca tulisan-tulisan sederhana yang menggugah. Aku menilai ia punya rasa terhadap sajak dan linguistik yang baik. Aku larut dalam tulisan-tulisannya. Dimatanya, seolah hal-hal sederhana jadi luar biasa, kemampuan yang terbalik denganku (jika dapat dikatakan 'kemampuan'). Sampai pada satu unggahan bertema kehidupan, menceritakan keluh kesahnya menjadi anggota dari ekskul yang kucintai ini.

Disana ia mengaduh, mengutip ucapan seseorang tentang bagaimana ia menjalani perannya sebagai seorang koordinator. Suasana rapat, dikemas seolah bukan, tapi aku tahu. Entah siapa yang ia maksud. Pikiranku melayang menembus ruang dan waktu yang jauh, pada saat itu. Apa aku ada disana? Aku mulai menyuarakan ketakutanku. Apa jangan-jangan aku lupa aku yang bicara demikian? Mati. Sensitivitas ini menggelitik sampai ke inti terdalamku. Aku jadi menduga-duga jika bukan hanya seorang dia, jika ada dia dia lain yang tanpa sengaja kutikam lewat perkataanku yang kumaksudkan sebagai sebuah candaan. Bagaimana jika itu aku?

Melihat unggahannya sebelum itu, betapa ia pun mencintai dan membanggakan Paramabira sepertiku. Ia bilang sesi latihan adalah waktu-waktu yang paling ia tunggu dalam satu minggu. Harapannya akan keikutsertaan konser tahunan dan kompetisi, keterpacuan inginnya menjadi lebih baik. Aku seperti berkaca pada diriku di masa yang lampau. Betapa jauhnya aku sudah sampai disini saat ini. Ia juga menuliskan perasaan kesendiriannya setelah satu tahun vakum dari unit kemahasiswaan ini, tidak nyaman bersama orang-orang lama yang ia kategorikan tinggi hati. Aku pasti satu diantaranya. Meski ia katakan dulu iapun bagian dari mereka--kita. Aku sama sakit hatinya, kau tahu? Pemahaman ini membuatku lari ke jurnalku sendiri. Bagaimana ini? Ia seharusnya tetap mencintai Paramabira. Menyerap perlahan-lahan, lagi-lagi, seperti kertas tisu di permukaan yang basah: bagaimana jika itu aku?

Padahal hari ini hari yang beruntung. Aku berhasil bangun tanpa alarm sebelum pukul dua belas siang, aku mengunduh lebih dari lima jurnal internasional untuk persiapkan skripsi (ya ampun, tahun ini aku skripsi ya!), membuat satu artikel untuk Paramabira, mendapatkan tebengan dari salah satu aplikasi ojek online yang paling jarang kubuka dan melewati jalanan yang bersahabat: lampu hijau setiap kali motor kami lewat. Dibukakan pintu oleh pramusaji yang sama seperti yang terakhir kuceritakan, disapa begitu hangat sambil ia bertanya ringan, "Hai Kak Stef, peppermint petty?"



Lenyap sudah ditelan insekuritas. Aku ini orang jahat.

What Makes Me Happy #13

Tidakkah menyedihkan, kita memasuki postingan-postingan terakhir kita sekarang, Put?

Aku bersumpah atas langit dan bumi, aku menikmati rasa sedih dan nelangsa yang kurasakan ketika melihat ke langit malam. Seperti diriku yang mencari-cari alasan untuk tidak baik-baik saja, kau tahu? Mencari-cari seseorang untuk aku sedihkan, untuk aku pikirkan. Aku hanya heran--jika tak dapat kau katakan sedih--atas begitu banyaknya rasa cinta dan afeksi yang sungguh-sungguh ingin kubagi, tetapi tak ada siapa-siapa disini. Tersebut nama seseorang di benakku, tetapi.. ah, rasanya bukan dia. Karena jika dia orangnya, aku akan tahu.

I started to question my worth, again.

-----

Tentang sedihku dan postingan terakhirmu.

Mungkin saja pada semesta yang berlawanan, kita sedang duduk bersamping-sampingan. Mendiskusikan rasa awan, warna-warna perasaan. Lucu sekali di dunia paralel, ada aku dan kamu yang dekat secara badaniah. Mungkin pula kita bertanya-tanya, menertawakan, bagaimana jadinya jika kita tidak pernah bertemu.

Atas satu-dua kali pertemuan, kita dulu tak banyak bicara, ya? Tapi aku sungguh bersyukur aku mengenal tulisanmu, rasanya seperti bicara dengan diri sendiri.

-----

Sudah lama tidak menulis, I got so much in my mind. Meski aku tidak tahu harus mulai darimana, tetapi menyenangkan rasanya kembali menumpahkan diri dalam tulisan receh ini.

Aku menyukai sentuhan, sungguh. Aku tidak senaif dulu, berfikir bahwa manusia salah jika bergumul dengan nafsu. What can I say? Sentuhan itu menyenangkan, entah apapun maksud dibaliknya. Aku menyukai sentuhan yang bersamamu. Aku merasa jatuh cinta dengan sentuhan kita. Kukatakan padamu, bukan pikiran atau karaktermu yang membuatku suka, tetapi betapa kita cocok dalam sentuhan. Aku juga baru tahu, manusia bisa jatuh cinta pada sisi lain yang satu ini. Baru kutahu, karena baru pertama kali ini kualami. Mungkin beberapa hal tidak selaras dengan nilai yang kita percaya. Mungkin kau merasa kita harus memelihara jarak.. Mengapa kita harus selalu mempersulit segala hal, ketika sesuatu sebenarnya tidak serumit yang kita kira? Why can't we leave things as things are?

Seandainya beberapa hal bisa terus saja sama, selalu begitu. Aku tidak ingin ada yang berubah.

-----

Aku baru sadar, ini bukan postingan yang membahagiakan. Maafkan aku.

Naked.

There was a time when we were mesmerized of each other. Wondering, how could somebody be as amazing as us. How was life before us? How we thank every universe that we united, that we flared up even brighter, that we blossomed into somebody better.

Us.

I have radiated all my marvels. My senses, truest self, and sparks. I ran out of wonders to give to you now. Well, at least we both know there is no such thing as endless wonder. Amusement dies, love disappears, wonder fades out. We don't talk cause we read minds. We don't ask cause we both already knew. This silence. This subtle. This peaceful state of us.

I have peeled off your skin. That now I can only see your reality. You are not a flesh nor a bone.

You are an impeccable soul that illuminates the door of my heart.

Even in your darkest times.

Still, I think you're as wonderful as I first saw you.

Not true.

What if after all this time, I misinterpreted you:
I do not have feelings for you the way I confessed.
I managed to make myself believe that I was in love, while in fact I was just lonely.
And you're the only better person around.
I was scared of having no one to fight for,
therefore I chose you to be the person I 'love'.
I try to speculate an act and believe what I wanted to believe.
It's some kind of pity--what I did, of making myself so sure that I was in love.
What if I don't love you at all, what if all this,
was just a massive manipulation I created to myself
so that I wouldn't feel so lost. So when people speak of love,
I would also understand. While in fact I don't have any!
I just happened to pretend that I do,
pretend that I love you.

How arrogant is that.

Cinta monyet.

This isn't going to be a cheesy romantic speaking like I always do. I do this, because at one point in my life, I realised I survived life. I have seen someone from the past, and look at so many nights I cried over him, screaming, pleading God to bring him back. I remember the day I was so devastated, lying on the floor and cry myself to sleep. Waking up and felt like shit every single day, questioning, 'why am I still alive'. This is a true story about a guy: the greatest in giving me love as great as God could, as well as suffer, the most painful one. 

'Look at that. Look at the sun. It is set, now. Look how beautiful.' she said. She held her breath, not blinking. Watching the sun set in a high place, with him. 'I know,' he said. Reaching her from behind. She was not comfortable. She doesn't like it when someone puts hands on her bellies. But he held it tighter. 'I know,' and they both were quiet in awe. He jumped in front of her with his wide arms. He smiled like he was so overwhelmed with joy, he asked her, 'Which one, baby? Me or the sun?' She knew it's always been him. He was the greatest creation. He was hers. She never thought of wanting to have something more precious than him. She smiled so wide, so radiant, and hugged him close. 'You,' she said. They became like one, in a long long time.

It was the best sunset she witnessed. When night appeared, they held hands to look at the stars. There were none on the body of the night. None of them had guts to steal a kiss, cause they had never tried.. He held her face in his big hands and look at her eyes, bewildered. 'I love you,' he said. 'I love you,' repeating the words again, and again, and again, that it started to lose its meaning.. 'I love you,' he told her for the last time, emphasizing, reassuring. 'I love you, too,' and then she cried on his shoulder, bursting in a strange, crazy, magical feeling she had never known she could feel. She understands now of why is it so hard to forget the first person you loved, 'cause that person had once made u felt so loved and that feeling is just godly.

When he said, 'I lost feelings,' all the air was gone. When he said, 'I don't love you anymore,'  something inside of her was dead. She was lost ever since, she was dead. She was not okay for quite a very long time. Days were hard and he was gone. He was not there. She was left with no love left to herself.. She hated days and nights, and sunsets. Cause they reminded her of him too much.

People said it was an old love. That the him that was hers before, was already long gone. Why couldn't she stop thinking of him. They thought, time should have washed him away. Life must have been better for her. While she never felt happiness too much, because he was no longer hers to share. She never felt sadness in a way sadness should. It was way worse than any longing in the world, she never wanted to come back. Then she guessed she never stopped loving him after all. She just woke up one day and decided to let him go. 

So people would stop bugging her.

You know, I guess I had never drawn too deep in loving someone rather than you. Never even had worse heart break when someone left, except when you went away. I guessed you're the greatest after all this time. You still are. And I wish you happiness with whom ever you are, right now, and for the rest of your life. Knowing deeply that whoever she is, she's the luckiest to be loved by you.

While Listening to O by Coldplay.

I am thinking of the aftermath, the adherent, consequences of loving you.
People say what's worst about loving something so much, is knowing that you can't have it.
They also say that when you love something, you should not possess them: you let them live instead.
That's the truest form of love, to let it grow, to see it comes bigger, without caging them someplace.
And somewhat true, we feel bliss just to see it that way.
Society got twisted, right? About love and possession, anger and disappointment.
They started to think when you love someone, they have to love you back.
Either way, it's not love at all. It's the unrequited stupid hunger, of affection. What was that, again?
Well, I have to stay still though, they are not capable of understanding it..

If only you had the same feeling towards me, as much as I am willing to give you ever since,
they say, we would already be together by now. Thing is that I am an open book, they can read me. While you.. I honestly don't know how you feel, you never told me.. But what ever it is, it makes me happy. It completes me somehow in the most humanly way possible. I am craving, yearning, admiring the feeling you gave me, it surprised me in the time I least expected it. You are different, you made me feel different in every best way I could tell. You made me happy without words of love, so I didn't question it, like, I don't need it.. You speak louder than every romance courtesy. Then again, loving you makes me love myself even more. In the end, how could I possibly not loving you if so?

I always knew we couldn't be together, I'm not making it an aim as well. I know probably we're that different, that hard to be with each other, it's okay. I'm not withdrawing myself at all, and I won't. If one day you had to go--like, go, away--in a way that we're not this close anymore, or geographically distant from each other, I'll remember you always, always. And there would be no greater loss by then. It's not regret, okay, it's loss. It's a mess, total pain, an agony. But right now, as long as you're still near--I could tell by the way you wanted to see me just as much--as long as we're together and fine, I cherish you with every breath, every eye blink, every second of my everyday, Tvstn. It's okay if one day we have to separate our way, I thank God that we ever crossed our paths and be together for quite long time. The me that is me right now, won't ever be without your presence. You will someday leave with remaining melodies you sometimes sing, and your shy smile that nobody could ever have, but you. I knew, and I'll be okay as long as you are too.


To the person whom I am now loving, so much, with all humility I could evince.
I've never loved anybody to the point where I don't want to possess them anymore,
for the sake of my belief: that to love is to set free.

Tentang Perasaan.

Kemarin lalu, seorang teman menanyakan bagaimana perasaanku padamu.
Aku diam sesaat, menimbang-nimbang: seberapa banyak? Seberapa besar?

Begini, sayang..
Aku mencintaimu pelan-pelan, disaat aku pikir aku mencintai orang lain.
Aku tidak sepenuhnya jatuh, aku melangkah perlahan bersamamu.
Saat aku kehilangan jati diri, saat aku menangis histeris, saat aku berusaha menata lagi hidupku.
Kemudian aku mencintaimu sesederhana itu, sesederhana kamu ada.
Tanpa perlu tahu bagaimana perasaanmu, tanpa perlu cintaku terbalaskan.
Mencintaimu sesederhana menyapamu setiap pagi, merindukanmu setiap malam,
dan bertemu padamu di hari-hari tersulit, mendengarkan cerita dan lagu-lagumu,
sesekali berbagi kisah, lalu melihatmu tersenyum seperti itu.
Aku mencintaimu tanpa beban, tanpa rasa-rasa khawatir,
tanpa menuntut kamu untuk menjadi sama sepertiku.
Selama kamu ada.. Selama kamu disini, ada bersamaku..

Lalu kukatakan padanya, bahwa aku sangat mencintaimu.
Dan aku sungguh-sungguh untuk itu.



Selamat tahun baru, Inspirasi!

Lost.

I could die, you know.
Wandering around, thinking of you.
Of what you're doing, of what you're thinking of at the current time. Are you okay.
I go on days, having to pretend that I am okay and that I don't mind: I could handle this.
Which you always know that I'm not good at multi-tasking, it's so exhausting.
I could die holding back the urge to text, to call,
moreover to meet you. I'm so overwhelmed of night thoughts that lead me to my full-of-you dreams.
I could die.. I could die of missing somebody too much that my mind can't contain.
But it's not even the worst part.
Knowing that maybe I am the burden,
the bridge or high walls, in between you and the bright nexts.
You're no where to be found, I don't know where you are..
I never meant to push nor seem like I am forcing you to need me as much as I do.
It's just that onto you, I spill over my heart. Onto you, I surrender my trust.
In you, I found myself.


But where are you, now?
Where am I, now?
I don't see myself anywhere.
I could die.





Be back soon, be fine soon, okay?

Contemplation #2

I thought, the other sad thing about being apart from people that we love, is to live side by side with them. To the point where we don't recognize ourselves anymore, where we share silence that hard it gets kinda awkward, where we don't even know how far we are from each other: geographically close, but so distant at the same time. To the point where our lives collided and gets nowhere but being monotonous. That's where it all ends, somehow.

Monotonous kills, and life gets bored. You're living in a state of 'please, leave me alone.' versus the 'don't leave me, I'm begging you,' constant battle. You shut down people, but your soul screams for help. Help me, it would say. Help me to discover myself. I'm that hard, you know. I don't even know if it's normal for a human being to feel that way. That's why I loved people who embrace the existence of absent. Who know how to give me some quiet space to myself, even if I'm begging not to. But then it turned into some self-discovery moment: of what I'm capable of, of what I can't live without, of what I've missed throughout life.

You might think it's masochistic. But I found my joy in times of sorrow. I get excited in times of longing. That way, I appreciate solitude. That way, when I look at them whom I missed in a long wait, it's a blissful serendipity.


Then I wonder if this was a curse or a blessing, to feel everything and nothing so very deeply.

Ketika Bermusuhan.

Aku batu. Sekeras kepalamu atau tawa canggungku. Keras tiada ampun. Aku melempar diriku pada kamu, berharap mengintimidasi. Intens, berulang kali. Tak masalah seberapa sering aku terkikis. Aku tahu aku tetap lebih keras darimu. Sampai aku tahu apa itu kamu.

Asam. Cukup dosisnya untuk membunuhku. Setetes, dua tetes, mengalir di nadi-nadiku. Waktu aku bertemu denganmu, korosif penuh. Penyerahan total. Meluruh, tak bernafas.

Habis.

Sekeras itulah dan seluruhnya, aku mencintaimu.

Capricorns.

It's in my traits, you know. To constantly hope for the best, but expecting the worst. I have seen so much people, how they speak about love. Of course, it might have so many different interpretations for each and everyone of them. Because just like God, you recognize love and its existence, in your experience of encountering it. What I see is that love is never a guarantee. You might say you love someone, but who knows your body needs more than just love itself? I'm not saying that loving someone should always be about touching and physical contact, but hey it's true! How many times have you seen someone said, 'I love you', yet they keep looking for others temporarily. 'You're my forever,' they'd say, 'they're nothing, they are just them. You will always be you,' Bull-shit. Like being in love was never enough. Like love was an excuse to go back home after years of wild adventures when you had nothing to eat anymore. Like people actually some kind of need the distraction. It's a human nature. I've seen it: I've seen lots and lots of unfaithfulness, and how they somehow made me stop hoping for love. That's actually the reason why I know, I'll never find one.

I keep it to myself all this time. Because I'm still some kind of hoping that maybe someday I will. Life's a bitch, you know. You want something, it won't give you any, or yes it will, but a little too late. You hate something, it would keep coming back like an itch on your back. Now that I think about it, I think I've found it out since I was a little girl already. I used to forcefully suggest my mind the counter-point of a fact, because I was sure as fuck what will happen is the other side of the statements I've made. It buried deep down inside of me, and I've been carrying it all along. Now that I grew up and I want something, I will forcefully suggesting, that I won't get that. It's like a hopeless kind of faith, a kind-of-shy form of expectation. Maybe being with you are one of the case.

Mom asked me about you. I told her you were nothing. She doubted me. So I also told her that in fact I won't find love again in the future. She told me to watch my mouth. And right after I said it out loud, I cried so hard. I don't even know why I'm scared. Maybe because deep down I thought I can't wait any longer for it to happen otherwise. But also maybe, just maybe, because I knew, it is somehow true.



P.S : I'm not kidding, though. About love isn't always about physical thing. Because I've been kissed, and hugged, and made love with by you, without you even touching me. It made me believe that one day when we finally kissed, it won't be your lips that I'd taste. It's your soul.



Of course I should tell everybody otherwise or else it won't happen. Right?

Questions.

"Why are you so quite?" 

I don't know. That's how people read me. I become quite when I got sad, or mad, or when I got so much in mind. I don't know. I visit places I've ever been with you, alone. I thought I've missed the place. Like being homesick for so long until my head hurts. It's not. Fuck.

"Why are we keep hurting each other like this?"

I don't know. Maybe it's our rhythm, maybe it suits us best without we even realize it. Maybe that's what we do best, you know? To hurt each other's feelings and pretend to be okay. Like it is supposed to be. 

"Why are you crying?" 

I don't know. Because it's not that I miss the place, I realized this wasn't homesick, this was way even worse. It's just I'm so sick of wanting so much to see you but I couldn't.

Is it just me, or?

People ask me what we are now. I don't know. When they ask me who he is, I'd say, 'a friend.', then they continue to ask, 'do you have a crush on him?', I'd say I don't. They would say, 'weird,' and they won't believe in what I say. They always think that when two people being together, it means that more likely they are or soon to be in a relationship. So when I told them things the way things actually are, about me and how this thing going with this beautiful man, they simply question it, or call me liar. Whatever.

Sometimes I think I was different. A bad kind of different. When all of my friends are busy making relationship, this thing hanging between me and this guy is far from the definition of boyfriend/girlfriend thing, we do not do that.. We do not say it out loud, how we feel.. Sometimes I think that it's just me, that he maybe does not feel the same way as I am, but I do not simply give up on hope.. And believe in myself, in what I feel, a little bit more. Sometimes, you love so much, so deep, you become the other person you love. You reflect their words, their way of thinking, how they talk, how they act.. I don't even have crush on him anymore, because I am a way far than that. I love him. It is unspoken, but sometimes love is just love and you do not question love.

Then I start to realize that I have to differ the idea of being in a relationship, and being in love. In a relationship, two people are put together. They thought they might wanna be like that forever, achieving one or many goals of, I don't know.. Completing each other? Having kids? Sharing companion? They might as well wanted to see each other every minute of their lives, because that's how relationship works. You spend most of your time together, if possible, being under the same roof and sharing your foods, your extra bed, and most of all, your time.. It might fade one day, you know, just like people couldn't promise such thing as, 'I'll love you forever,' as forever is a matter of time, which you can't guarantee because the Time is not yours.. Then relationship became a noun, a state to describe the combining result of two people together. The thing is what if you get bored? What if you realize eventually you don't want them anymore? What if you possess them so much they slip off and be gone? While you can't help but being possessive because the other person are yours, forever, just because you think you are in a relationship.. Gotta say, though. In a relationship, you cannot guarantee love.

Meanwhile, being in love is totally different state.. When you love, you pour your heart into this one person. They never leave your mind though at times you might not realize it. You go to work, you do your job. But when you feel the need to stop a little while, you feel your blood rushes, your heart beats hard.. And then, there they are, carried with you all along your veins. It makes you smile and helps you get through hard days. It's love. When you love, you might not always see each other, might see a lot of different person every single day. But once you see them in person, you just knew it's them. You miss this one person so much, you cannot, stop, talking. That is when you realize, that other people, lots and lots of them everyday, is just a reminder of how much this one person means to you, that the rest of them don't matter anymore, you don't want anybody else anymore.. Despite all difficulties, you gain commitment. When the time comes and both of you finally see each other without any interferences of life, you look at them in the eyes. Then the sparks tell you, 'I've been waiting for you, and I love you so much.' And it cannot be wrong.


So, when next time people ask me, 
'why don't you both be in relationship already?' or tell me, 
'you both look cute together, just be in a relationship for God's sake,'

I'd just smile, and say, 
'well, no..' 

I'd stop just for a moment, 
'because I don't need to be in a relationship anymore. I'm in love with him. I wish he is, too. And that is what matters to me,'

and fuck the rest of the world who tells me otherwise.

You don't wanna read this.

"Maybe love works in a different way for me.
Because I hate seeing you happy when you're not with me.
I hate seeing you smile if it wasn't because of me.
Sometimes it gets so overwhelming I couldn't see straight.
I don't like the vision of you spending the right time with who ever it is,
while I'm here,
while I miss you..

Love works differently for me because it should be fair.
Because there would be nobody who'd make me as happy as you would
and I am hopelessly asking you to feel the same way..
Then in the most selfish or creepiest way possible,
I would assume that I loved you
with all thirst, and hunger,
whom only you can satisfy."




with all the selfish love,
Steph.

Pemabuk

Gadis itu seperti pemabuk: pipinya merah, matanya liar. Tulisannya tak terbaca lagi dalam gerakan tangannya yang gemetar. Lelaki itu seperti candu: memabukkan! Ia punya senyum sehangat mentari dan harumnya seperti rempah manis. Keduanya saling memandang mata. Mereka bicara lewat setiap kedip dan menjadi semakin rindu pada hitungan ke satu, dua, hingga tiga...

"Tampan sekali hari ini," ujar gadis itu malu-malu. Si lelaki tertawa renyah.

"Kau yang cantik sekali,"

Mereka lalu membuang muka, sibuk dengan bahagianya masing-masing. Akhirnya tidak ada yang saling bicara. Tapi ucapan syukur atas hadirnya satu sama lain menguar di hawa nafas mereka yang memburu. Dan dari tatapan nanar yang tak putus-putus, mereka tersenyum sendiri, lepas segala non-perfeksi diri. Karena tahu keduanya bukan lagi sekedar mengagumi: keduanya sudah mencintai.

Cabang Rindu

Padahal setiap waktu aku bertemu denganmu bersama sunyi: hanya ada aku, dan kamu yang seperti hantu. Mirip waktu aku jatuh cinta untuk pertama kalinya pada kecantikan kota di waktu malam, sampai aku selalu diam atas hadirnya dirimu di dalam benak. Aku seperti meyakini bahwa ada rindu yang tak perlu dinyatakan, cinta yang tak perlu berisik. Aku menyayangimu, sungguh, dalam racauku pada kesendirian, atau dalam doa yang sederhana di ambang kesadaran: yang menggemakan namamu sampai ke telinga Tuhan. Karena dirimu macam mimpi yang lari-lari di angan siang hari, yang kadang dekat sekali untuk aku dekap, lalu pergi waktu kau mau. Jiwaku ada untuk merindu kala saatnya pergimu tiba.

Padahal kau tidak perlu ada disini. Tapi dalam tatapanmu yang sebentar-sebentar, rasanya aku sudah pulang. Dan rinduku menemukan rumahnya di matamu.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ini tulisan yang tidak ada maknanya, bahkan mungkin untukku juga. Aku juga bukan orang yang selalu bicara begini begitu soal perasaan. Tapi dirimu, entah bagaimana pun menjijikkannya kata cinta menurutku, adalah definisi yang tepat dari itu.