Last post.

I gotta stop, I know.
Though I've never been good in avoidance.
This, this might be the last time.

Maybe loving you was never meant to be
more than hurting myself just as much.
I gotta stop, I know.

Puisi Senada

Sejatinya riak air mataku akan selalu menemukan muaranya di bahumu.
Ada saatnya aku mengelak, lalu akhirnya menyerah pada rindu-rindu yang berisik.
Berjauhan, meski tidak bermusuhan. Menjaga jarak, meredam gemuruh. Berharap kau ada.
Lalu semalam aku melihatmu, menemukanmu tersenyum dalam tatapan yang malu-malu,
dan semua pertahanan yang susah-susah kubangun
luruh, habis, runtuh bersama rindu.
Di titik-titik besar dalam hidupku, apa jadinya jika tidak ada kamu?
Tidak akan ada bahagia yang terlalu atau sedih yang sewajarnya.
Bagaimana jika kau tak ada? Bagaimana jika akhirnya kau pergi?
Kau tahu pilihan untuk pergi selalu ada dalam genggaman tanganmu, bukan?
Kau juga tahu aku selalu ada, menitipkanmu dalam doa pengantar tidur, melepaskanmu jika kamu ingin pergi: percaya bahwa kau akan selalu berpulang.
Terima kasih sudah hadir di waktu-waktu bahagia, di waktu-waktu aku paling ingin kau ada.
Terima kasih sudah memberi jarak, memberi ruang yang kubutuhkan untuk membutuhkanmu,
terima kasih karena dengan begitu aku bernafas.

Semoga seiring kehidupan yang berjalan,
angka-angka terendah dan tertinggi dalam pergerakan waktu,
ada kamu. Cukup ada kamu.

Lost.

I could die, you know.
Wandering around, thinking of you.
Of what you're doing, of what you're thinking of at the current time. Are you okay.
I go on days, having to pretend that I am okay and that I don't mind: I could handle this.
Which you always know that I'm not good at multi-tasking, it's so exhausting.
I could die holding back the urge to text, to call,
moreover to meet you. I'm so overwhelmed of night thoughts that lead me to my full-of-you dreams.
I could die.. I could die of missing somebody too much that my mind can't contain.
But it's not even the worst part.
Knowing that maybe I am the burden,
the bridge or high walls, in between you and the bright nexts.
You're no where to be found, I don't know where you are..
I never meant to push nor seem like I am forcing you to need me as much as I do.
It's just that onto you, I spill over my heart. Onto you, I surrender my trust.
In you, I found myself.


But where are you, now?
Where am I, now?
I don't see myself anywhere.
I could die.





Be back soon, be fine soon, okay?

Contemplation #2

I thought, the other sad thing about being apart from people that we love, is to live side by side with them. To the point where we don't recognize ourselves anymore, where we share silence that hard it gets kinda awkward, where we don't even know how far we are from each other: geographically close, but so distant at the same time. To the point where our lives collided and gets nowhere but being monotonous. That's where it all ends, somehow.

Monotonous kills, and life gets bored. You're living in a state of 'please, leave me alone.' versus the 'don't leave me, I'm begging you,' constant battle. You shut down people, but your soul screams for help. Help me, it would say. Help me to discover myself. I'm that hard, you know. I don't even know if it's normal for a human being to feel that way. That's why I loved people who embrace the existence of absent. Who know how to give me some quiet space to myself, even if I'm begging not to. But then it turned into some self-discovery moment: of what I'm capable of, of what I can't live without, of what I've missed throughout life.

You might think it's masochistic. But I found my joy in times of sorrow. I get excited in times of longing. That way, I appreciate solitude. That way, when I look at them whom I missed in a long wait, it's a blissful serendipity.


Then I wonder if this was a curse or a blessing, to feel everything and nothing so very deeply.

Thinking of Amos

"Why didn't you ask me to go with you?"

"Cause I wanna be alone that day,"

"..."

".. don't you always hated it when I said I wanna leave?"

"I don't care. You have to."



I love you so much, so much that I let you go.

Insufficient

I'm feeling so blue right now. It's almost dark blue.

I miss you so much, to the fact that I know I'll lose your presence soon.

To the fact that I miss everything about you and your blabbery mouth.
The kind of miss that even seeing your face won't be enough.

I'm fine, you are too,
We're fine, it's nothing.

I wonder what's wrong with me.

A.

I love you along with the Time.

I love you in speculation of my own.

I love you by giving in.

I love you in every hour.

When I wake up in the morning,

when I'm tired and about to sleep.

I love you without doubts.

I love you by submission,

Knowing that the choice to leave, was all yours.

Like giving you the freedom to go.

Believing, hoping, that you won't.

I love you more than I allow myself to.